Welcome to the only gossip column in town. by Elinor Jones Hello, hello! Time for another Trash Report. I'm Elinor Jones. The human world—it's a mess. If we don't make fun of it I think we become complacent in it? Or at least apat hetic. And I, for one, prefer to be regular pathetic, thank you very much. Let's gossip! Hail to the Rash Donald Trump started a war with Iran last week to distract us all from the disgusting new rash he has on his neck. The White House said the rash is being treated, but provided no further information. Believe me when I tell you that I do not want to imagine what is happening underneath all those ill-fitting suits, but with the bruise on his hand and now this new neck thing, you know whatever we're not seeing has got to be very gross.  In addition to growing new scabs, this week Trump fired Kristi Noem from her job as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security after a dismal performance at a Senate committee hearing where she didn't NOT say she was fucking Corey Lewandowski. Trump didn't come right out and fire her, of course. Instead he said he was appointing her to a totally real new post as special envoy to the Shield of the Americas, which is a political way of saying, we didn't kill your career, we simply sent it to live out its days on a farm outside of town. Lots of people gloated about her firing including Meghan McCain, who called out Noem for blowing $200 million on an ad campaign. Okay, legit. Then she tweeted "BYE WIG" to which I say: girl. Leave the hair-shaming to those of us who have never looked like this: In other news, The Atlantic just published a piece titled "Young Men Aren't the Only Ones Struggling: Women might be having an even harder time." Might be? We "might" be? We miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight be? Wemightbe? Wemightbewemightbewemightbe? Gals, what if we might be having a harder time than men? Have you considered that? Have you thought about how they aren't the only ones struggling? Did you know that we might be struggling also? Did you know? Gooped and Gagged Gwyneth Paltrow is auctioning off a bunch of her shit. This is a perfect opportunity... if you have any friends named Gwyneth and want to get them some customized jewelry and you have several hundred or thousand dollars to spend. Of note: The auction includes the famous 1999 pink Ralph Lauren she wore to the Academy Awards when she won for Shakespeare in Love. The current bid is only $1,250 which is downright affordable! Does anyone wanna go in on this with me? We could pass it around like the Stanley Cup, each of us taking a turn to wear it once or twice during the year. Of course, I am sure none of us are the size that Gwyneth Paltrow was when she wore this dress, so we'll have to take it out a bit—maybe put in some ruching?—but it would be such a great conversation starter at the gym. Speaking of award shows, Noah Wyle just won an Actor Award (f.k.a. SAG) for his work as Dr. Robby on The Pitt and in his speech he talked about the security he felt for carrying his union card all these years he's worked in the business. What a guy. Even though I know he's an actor—like, he got the award for his acting, that's how good of an actor he is, he is not his character—I would let him perform surgery on me, 100 percent, no hesitation. Nicole Kidman has been doing press for her new series Scarpetta and she learned all the organs and how to perform an autopsy for her role as a doctor in that, but I wouldn't trust her over me with a scalpel. This isn't sexism. I don't know, I feel like Noah Wyle could lock in and focus, whereas Nicole Kidman would fully bounce if she got a call from Reese Witherspoon. You know? Love Is in THE Air, Just Not YOUR Air Another thing that happened at the Actor Awards: celebrity stylist Law Roach spilled that his iconic client and muse Zendaya has already wed the darling wee Englishman Tom Holland. Everyone now is trying to get eyes on Zendaya's fingers to spy a wedding ring and figure out what we don't know, as if we are owed the details. As someone who loves pop culture and writes about it for money, people need to get a goddamn grip about this. What, are you surprised you didn't get an invite to the wedding? You thought he'd tell you first, because you're friends, because you've watched the "Umbrella" video 500 times? We are lucky to live in the Zendaya era; she's given us a million stunning looks, and yet people have the audacity to demand pictures of the wedding dress too?! God forbid a celebrity couple carry the slightest air of mystery!  Okay I mentioned it so now I have to post it. Internet law. In other wispy zillennial news, Timmy Chalamet is in hot water because he said that nobody cares about opera or ballet, which is only the second-dumbest thing I learned about him recently. The first-dumbest is that I guess he has a chef on-set with him who cooks him three whole breakfasts every morning and then he decides which one he wants and discards the other two. The fool! Why have one whole when he has the opportunity for the perfect breakfast, which is a few bites of a several different breakfasts? Dude could be eating like he's at brunch with his girlfriends every day on set.  Science Trash Briefly, is anyone watching this season of Love is Blind? Skip this part if you don't care or don't want spoilers. I'm not all the way caught up, but I just watched the episode where we find out that the soccer bro didn't vote, but if he had he would have voted for Trump, and his vibe suddenly makes way more sense. And THEN we learn that he and his fiancée use the rhythm method for birth control and do not to get pregnant. I don't want them to procreate, but it would be funny. Speaking of anti-science voodoo, raw milk drinkers on Reddit have been wondering if they can make their raw milk safer by heating it up. Heating up milk is also what happens during "pasteurization," i.e. what makes milk at the store safe to drink and not "raw." But the way they frame it is "will this get rid of toxins?" and that is actually a brilliant idea: call all medicines "a way to eliminate toxins." Because those MAGA people love pills and potions when their purpose is fighting toxins. Can we get the FDA to rebrand the measles as a toxin? Then just call think vaccines "preventative anti-toxins." Wink, wink. You know it will work. Local Trash The most popular movie of the weekend was the new Pixar jam, Hoppers, which takes place in a town called Beaverton, a place named as such by the writers, because surely such a foolish name for a city could not exist in real life! Then they were like, lol, whoops.  That's all for now, friends. I'll talk to you later. Daylight saving is a bitch and she fucked up my whole weekend, but it's nice that it will be light after dinner now. Forwardly, ...read more read less