Due to scheduling, I am writing this on Election Day, and you’ll be reading it the day after. So. Did Harris win? Did Trump win? Do we not know yet? Has the Superior Being had enough of our turning this beautiful democracy in the land of plenty into some dystopian nightmare and thus decided to flip over the board, sending our game pieces flying into the air? Hmmmm? Let’s check. SUPERIOR BEING: Any U.S. election results yet? FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: It’s too close to call, but some woman in Hamilton voted in her bra last week. SUPERIOR BEING: What? FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: Yeah, you would’ve thought Edelstein would’ve written about it, but his schedule and … SUPERIOR BEING: What happened, Frank? FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: Well, some woman was voting at a the Colonial firehouse in Hamilton and she was wearing a Trump hat and shirt and she was told she wasn’t allowed to vote in a Trump hat and shirt and so she took off her shirt and voted in her bra. She then told the poll workers to “suck her c***.” SUPERIOR BEING: That’s it, flip the board. We’re starting over. Let’s play the quick game rules, we’ll start a few weeks before the Founding Fathers decided sure, fine, slavery is OK, put it in the Constitution. Maybe they’ll skip that this time. FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but we’ve played this game 45.3 quintillion times, and they haven’t skipped it yet. SUPERIOR BEING: Ugh, you’re right. Anyway, how are things in Gaza? FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: {purses lips, shakes head} SUPERIOR BEING: OK. Forget I asked. Let’s talk about this woman in the bra … was she at least hot? FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: {purses lips, shakes head} SUPERIOR BEING: What is wrong with these Americans? Seriously: They have more than anyone has ever had. We gave them Twinkies! Remember when we gave them Twinkies! FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: I do sir. SUPERIOR BEING: But that’s not enough. No, not enough for those Americans. They need the “Golden Bachelorette.” They need to get choosy with pronouns. They need to pretend they are presidential polling experts, and — wait for it — now they’ll probably all pretend they understand the intricacies of Georgia election law. FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: It’s true. SUPERIOR BEING: These morons. Can’t get out of their own way. You know what they should’ve done? They should’ve elected Romney back in 2012. Nice Morman boy. He would’ve steered the ship just fine. Would’ve sidestepped this Trump nonsense. Love him or hate him, he’s chaos. FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: He would’ve run as a Democrat then, sir. SUPERIOR BEING: You know, those pronouns? Let’s go with sir/ma’am. Can’t be too careful these days. FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: Fair enough, sir/ma’am. So. Really: You want me to flip the board? Really? Shouldn’t we wait at least until they certify the results of the election? SUPERIOR BEING: Frank, at the risk of being a c*** myself, do you not remember what happened the last time we let this play out through the certification? They almost hung Mike Pence. FRANK, THE SUPERIOR BEING’S HELPER: I believe it’s “hanged” sir/ma’am. Not “hung.” SUPERIOR BEING: I will smite you, Frank. I will smite you.