Hey, trash pandas! Line up for your weekly can of garbage-y gossip. by Elinor Jones Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I'm your girl, Elinor Jones. Hey did you all see the story in the news about the woman in Washington who wouldn't stop feeding raccoons and then she had to call the cops because there were 100 of them surrounding her and she was afraid to leave her house? That's all of you waiting to read this column. But unlike that lady, I would never call the cops on you. I will always feed my garbage monsters. And it's supper time! Can You Believe It's Still Almost Election Time? Vice President Kamala Harris has been on a press blitz, including a stop on the extremely popular podcast Call Her Daddy that I'd never heard of until like two months ago and suddenly it's a cultural touchstone? Okay. (I have my finger on a pulse, but maybe not the pulse.) So then last week my favorite podcast Las Culturistas released five special episodes where they counted down their Iconic 400 and teased that number one was about to be a guest on their show, and I became certain that guest would be Kamala. Picture her engaging with those gay sprites! Her "I don't think so honey, this election being tied" would be legendary. Alas, the top spot went to fellow groundbreaking biracial queen Mariah Carey, which makes a lot more sense, my brain is just broken. President Joe Biden, meanwhile, must be so relieved he is only the president of the United States and not also a candidate for the office. Talk about senioritis, being older than the wind, half a century into public service, and with retirement so close he can almost taste it. And what would retirement taste like for Joe Biden? I think Werthers. Brat summer is over; Werthers winter is here. Snippets of Bob Woodward's new book War reveal that Biden is a pottymouth and refers to Trump as "that fucking asshole." You know, between an affinity for sweet treats and calling Trump an asshole, I think Biden and I would be pretty good pals. And I would be an honest and real pal who wouldn't hold back about some of the more recent choices, like giving a missile defense system to Israel. Girl: yikes.  Less problematic grey-haired white man Tim Walz has been spreading his brand of likability all over this great-ish nation, saying extremely popular things like that we should do away with the electoral college. Put that shit in a 9x13 with some crunched up potato chips on top, my man, because I will eat that all the way to the polls.  my main thought on JD Vance is that he would be easily outsmarted by Bugs Bunny — Meg (@megannn_lynne) October 9, 2024 Weather? Damn Near Killed Her. As the Southeastern United States digs out from back-to-back hurricanes, nobody is sadder than influencers who no longer have everyone's eyeballs on them, because at the time we were riveted by their eye-witness news. The legendary internet star and grifter Caroline Calloway rode it out in her Florida apartment in an evacuation zone. She initially suggested that she did so because of trauma from past evacuations, but then fully fessed up to wanting the views she'd get by being in the eye of the storm, literally. Anderson Cooper went viral for getting hit in the face with a projectile and she was just like, I need that. Speaking of embarrassing hacks, Elon Musk tweeted that he'd give $47 to everyone who got a voter in a swing state to sign some stupid petition. Cards Against Humanity, which is apparently the card game of The Resistance, responded by saying it would pay anyone who didn't vote in 2020 to vote this time, as well as tweet "Donald Trump is a Human Toilet." Hey, don't threaten me with a good time.  In Memoriam The widow of Bobby Kennedy and mother of presidential candidate RFK Jr., Ethel Kennedy, passed away last week at the age of 96. RFK Jr. is probably chomping at the bit to plan that funeral. He'll have a lot of questions about the preparation of the body. And I think if the son of a deceased person repeatedly requests that the casket not be locked and sealed, you gotta wonder what he's got planned for that corpse. I'm just saying, Cheryl Hines, if you get in your husband's car and notice a foul smell, you might want to check for any signs of fresh digging at the Kennedy family plot at the cemetery.  Stars: They're Just Like Us! Example #1: Prince William finally pulled the ultimate bald man move by growing out his facial hair, as if to remind everyone that he can grow hair on his head, just not necessarily where you'd expect it. He actually looks kinda hot, I don't like it. He needs to counter this by developing sausage fingers like his dad. Example #2: Actress Jessica Chastain made headlines for tweeting about being mad that JetBlue only gave her a $15 refund for her TV not working during a recent flight. Yes, girl! Use your platform! Chastain has since deleted the tweet, which is a shame. In the hell of constant humiliations that make up late-stage capitalism, bullying corporations online is one of our true joys. This should not be denied to her just because she's famous. Retail Trash Spirit Halloween stores will start also becoming Spirit Christmas stores. I, for one, cannot wait to see what they call their off-brand Santa Clauses. I have some suggestions: Elderly Gift Troll. Bearded Winter Visitor. Or they could go simple with something like Fat Grandpa. Tons of room for creativity there. Fellow chain store Bath & Body Works is also getting some early holiday buzz, but not in a good way: the shop had to pull a winter candle they were selling because the snowflakes on the label looked like a bunch of characters donning KKK hoods. This is the same company that two years ago relabeled existing products with a kinte cloth in celebration of Black History Month. People who truly care about racial sensitivity in branding might need to find a new place to buy body sprays that will make them smell like old juice. Mean Girls day is Oct. 3, Rory Gilmore’s birthday is Oct. 8, Hallie and Annie from the Parent Trap are born on Oct 11. Huge two weeks for Millennial women, please respect our culture and that we may be especially busy this time of year. — Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 9, 2024 Local Trash A white dog that may or may not be an Arctic fox has been confusing and delighting our fair city. It hasn't been spotted in days, which is for the best—I would definitely be the moron in the news to get hospitalized with rabies for trying to pet the Arctic fox/stray dog. But it's cute as hell, and just between us, I would not regret it! Watch for a VERY SPECIAL Trash Report coming out later this week! If you like reading me spiral about political news and gossip, you'll love reading me spiral about just the politics part. Until then, stay cool. Famously,