PARK RECORD: Mr. Niño, they say that you’re strengthening, with a greater than 90% chance of becoming “very strong” this fall and winter, and a 69% chance to become a historic event exceeding previous El Niños going back to 1950. Do you care to comment? SUPER EL NIÑO: Very strong? Very strong? When I climb that turnbuckle and rip off my shirt, everyone will damn well know I’m not “Very Strong El Niño!!!” By the way, regular El Niño is a disaster. Small. Very small. He makes three inches overnight and everybody loses their minds. No energy. Very little energy. I am the greatest Niño. Nobody understands Niño better than me. You think you know precipitation? You don’t know precipitation. Beautiful, magnificent precipitation. The whitest precipitation. Very deep. Very fluffy. The greatest of its kind anywhere that’s ever been precipitated and believe me, this is a Niño they’ve been trying to precipitate for over 75 years. And I will bring it in under budget and ahead of schedule. In fact, nobody’s ever seen precipitation like this. Tremendous precipitation. Unprecedented. People are saying possibly the greatest precipitation in history. Very respected meteorologists. They come up to me with tears in their eyes. Sixty-nine percent chance of historic. Sea-surface anomalies above 2 degrees Celsius. Nobody builds anomalies like me. By the way I’m changing that to Fahrenheit. Celsius is for punks. La Niña? Weak, very weak, very unattractive. Nobody’s bigger or better at Niño than I am. When I get in here, it will be Super El Niño versus the universe! Jimmy Superfly Snuka? He’s a chump. Horrible. Super Tuesday? That’s one day. I’m here all winter. They tried to get me out. But I stayed. Super Bowl? You need a bowl? I am the entire American Ocean! We changed that, by the way. That was my idea. Superman? Look at the muscles on this guy. Very hot, very handsome. Put some pants on. Super moon? Lemme bend over, I got your super moon right here. Unbelievable moon. The biggest moon. It’s so big, it’s so enormous, it’s so amazing. I’m the world’s greatest weather system. Nobody’s bigger or better at weather than me. Tremendous weather. Huge. PARK RECORD: But Mr. Niño, if I may, what about the atmospheric river? SUPER EL NIÑO: You call that a river? It’s a creek. A sad, little creek. I’ve seen bigger rivers coming off a snowbank in April. Bomb cyclone? Terrible name. Ridiculous. Polar vortex? Spins around. Total loser. And don’t come at me with lake effect snow. You need a lake to make snow? Pathetic. Everyone knows I have an ocean. A big, beautiful ocean. PARK RECORD: What about the Farmer’s Almanac? SUPER EL NIÑO: Fake weather. They’ve been very unfair to me. Very wrong. PARK RECORD: OpenSnow? SUPER EL NIÑO: Great people. Love OpenSnow. Very smart people. Unless they say I’m going south. In which case, they’re morons. PARK RECORD: What do you say about the historic snowmaking expansion at Deer Valley? SUPER EL NIÑO. Those little snow guns? Cute, very cute. I don’t even wait. I grab them by the nozzles. Tiny little nozzles. Very cute. I don’t make snow. I make history. I am the most powerful climate phenom on the planet. I will shift the jet stream. I will alter global weather patterns. I wi— PARK RECORD (interrupting): But Mr. Niño, will you snow in Park City? SUPER EL NIÑO: Quiet, powder piggy. The post Betty Diaries: Super El Niño at the World Weather Federation Press Conference appeared first on Park Record. ...read more read less