I am planning my wedding, which is happening this summer. My partner and I are trying to plan an event that’s casual, fun, and full of love. Unfortunately, my parents are MAGA. And they relish trolling me. The other day on a very rare phone call they started going on about wearing MAGA gear at t he ceremony, and ranting about people with tattoos, and using the t-slur to insult my trans friends. Of course, I said that was NOT ok. Given that we and many of our friends are queer, trans, and non-conforming in many brilliant and lovely ways, I’m deeply uncomfortable with them coming. (I should NOT have invited them) My parents are old, and I hold out for having a relationship with them, despite all evidence they think I’m trash. But this seems like a bridge too far. I can handle their insults, but my friends don’t deserve this. Even though I may sever the last remaining shreds of a relationship we have, I feel like they should NOT come to this event. Am I right to un-invite them? It seems like the only real choice. Would lying and saying the event is cancelled be OK? Why am I so fearful of alienating people who aggressively try to alienate me? I wish I had a therapist! Wanna Have A Therapist Your wish is granted: Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the co-host of the popular “Dear Therapists” and “Since You Asked” podcasts. Gottlieb also writes an terrific “Ask the Therapist” advice column for the New York Times and her bestselling memoir — Maybe You Should Talk To Someone — has sold more than three million copies. “Instead of disinviting her parents,” Gottlieb told me, “WHAT should set the terms of the invitation and leave the decision to her parents on whether they choose to come — in other words, she should let her parents disinvite themselves.” Gottlieb — who always goes the extra mile for her readers and callers — was so kind as to draft an email that you could send to your parents: “I’d love you both to be at my wedding, but given our call the other day, I want to be clear that the invitation comes with expectations to make the day a happy one for me, my partner, and our guests: keeping your political views and views on sexuality and gender to yourself, not making comments about any of the guests either indirectly or directly, and not wearing anything that signals these views — and no ‘jokes’ on these topics. A wedding isn’t a place for this. If you can commit to this, great! If not, please decline the invitation and we can celebrate another way at another time.” Now, I could see your MAGA parents — I could see anyone’s MAGA parents — agreeing to your terms and then showing up at your wedding and acting like assholes… and then playing the victim when they’re told they’re being assholes. That’s how our MAGA relatives roll: they can say anything they want because MAH FREE SPEECH but no one is allowed to say anything back to them. So, what do you do if your parents — after a glass or three of champagne — revert to form and start acting like the assholes you know they are? “WHAT should ignore them, as if they aren’t even there” said Gottlieb, “and make this the beginning not just of her married life, but of her learning to focus her attention only on the people deserving of it, as she will be surrounded by a community of loving friends (who should also ignore them) — and be done with inviting them to anything in the future. If they complain or attempt to guilt-trip, WHAT should remind her parents that they made the choice to be excluded going forward, not her: ‘The wedding invitation came with a clear set of expectations that you chose not to meet, so we are no longer offering invitations to you.’” Here’s a second opinion: While the thought of disinviting your parents from your wedding causes you stress, allowing them to attend your wedding means living with the stress of how they might behave at your wedding every day until your wedding and then every minute they’re at your wedding. If your parents are still on the Trump train at this point (Americans being executed on the streets, immigrants being disappeared into foreign gulags, a disastrous war on Iran, gas prices and inflation skyrocketing), your parents are past hope. A rupture is coming, WHAT, and I think you should get it over with before the wedding. Disinviting the motherfuckers already (DTMFA!) will be stressful, but your stress will end the moment you pull the trigger/invite. P.S. I’m not a therapist — psycho or otherwise — so you should probably take Gottlieb’s advice, not mine. P.P.S. If you do let your parents come, ask your queer and trans friends — as a gift to you — not to take the bait. Nothing annoys MAGA asshats more than a blank stare, so there’s something in ignoring your parents for your queer and trans friends: the delight of denying your asshole parents the reaction they were seeking. Follow Lori Gottlieb on Instagram @LoriGottlieb_author and visit www.lorigottlieb.com to learn more about her work, her writing, and her public events. My husband’s younger brother’s fiancé was on Grindr while we were on a big family vacation together on a cruise ship. And what was I doing on Grindr? The same thing. I’m older than my husband by fifteen years. I’m very sexual, he is not. I hopped on Grindr to see what was out there. Would I have done something? Honestly, I might have if the right opportunity presented itself. I don’t know if my husband and I are in an open marriage or not. We joke about it all the time. I created a profile and put my pic up. I wasn’t worried about being recognized. That’s when I came across the profile of my brother-in-law’s fiancé. It was definitely his pic. His profile stated that he was looking for a dom daddy. (He’s the younger one in his relationship.) I didn’t say anything to my brother-in-law because it’s not my relationship and I am not privy to the nature of theirs. I have no idea if he said anything to my husband’s brother about spotting me, but I would assume he did not due to the threat of mutually assured destruction. I know he saw me look at his profile because his profile disappeared immediately. I’m not worried he’ll say anything to my husband — and in all honesty, I wouldn’t mind if he did, as I would welcome having that conversation with my husband. I wouldn’t say anything to this young man’s fiancé — that is, I wouldn’t say anything to my brother-in-law — even if he, my brother-in-law’s fiancé, said something to my husband because, again, their relationship is not my business. But am I in the wrong? Should I say something to my brother-in-law before he marries this man? Somewhat At Sea Since Yesterday P.S. We’re all gay — I hope that is clear — but I wonder if the same advice would apply if the players in this little family drama were straight. First, reading your question gave me a migraine. Your prose stylings are a little convoluted, SASSY, which made it difficult to keep the players and the plays, erm, straight. Second, if you would welcome a conversation about whether your marriage is open or closed — with your husband, not me — there are easier ways to initiate that conversation than waiting for some twink to blab to your husband about spotting you on Grindr. Third, getting on Grindr to take a look around isn’t wrong — or it’s not any worse than the way people in monogamous relationships would wander into bars (gay or straight) before the apps came along. Married and/or partnered people who had no interest in cheating might visit pickup joints to have a look around, to get a quick ego boost, or to fantasize about the possibilities. But they ran the risk of being spotted by a friend or a neighbor or a family member. If that friend, neighbor, or family member was also in a monogamous relationship, both parties could rely on the doctrine of mutual assured destruction to keep them safe: if they nuked your relationship, you could nuke theirs. (If the person who spotted you at the pickup joint was single, you either had to fuck them or have them killed. Those were the rules.) The other risk of wandering into pickup joint way back was or getting on the apps today was and is… well, it wasn’t and isn’t encountering temptation. People who get on the apps or go to pickup joints are leading themselves into temptation. The risk was and is encountering an opportunity you couldn’t resist. Fourth, since it’s entirely possible your brother-in-law and his fiancé are in an open relationship — many if not most gay relationships are open — you can rationalize keeping your mouth shut. If the players were straight, my advice might be different, as most straight relationships are closed. And if it was your sister-in-law’s future husband you spotted on Grindr, you would obviously need to say something to someone. P.S. Here’s how you can get the conversational ball rolling with your husband: “Do you know if your brother’s relationship is open? I downloaded Grindr on the boat — just to take a look — and spotted his fiancé. It’s none of our business, of course, and I don’t want to stir shit up here. But I was wondering if they were open. And while we’re on the subject, honey, I’ve been wondering the same about us.” Since my boyfriend moved into his ground floor apartment nine years ago, his apartment has been flooded at least twenty times by his upstairs neighbor, a guy in his fifties. Every time he goes to knock on his neighbor’s door and say, “Hey, it’s happening again,” the guy opens his door wearing a dress or some weird underwear that my straight, vanilla boyfriend struggles to describe. His neighbor always starts apologizing profusely before my boyfriend can even say anything, as if he already knows he caused a flood. I’m trying to help my boyfriend resolve this legally and sell the apartment. I’ve also found myself expending a lot of mental energy trying to work out exactly what’s going on. Is there some kind of kink where people get off on tubs overflowing? Do people masturbate to the sound of running water? I can’t understand why he opens the door fully cross-dressed if he’s legitimately planning to have a bath. It always happens when this guy’s wife is away, and afterwards he emails an OTT apology to my boyfriend saying he is so annoyed at himself and that he just lost track of time, which is why the tub overflowed. I’ve seen these emails, and they read like they were written in some kind of post-wank shame spiral. What’s going on here? Freaky Looking Overflowing Old Dude Want to read the rest? Subscribe now to get every question, every week, the complete Savage Love archives, special events, and much more! All Subscriber Benefits  Already Subscribed? Log in here. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!  Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love The post Red Wedding appeared first on The Stranger. ...read more read less