By Yana Tallon-Hicks For the Valley Advocate Hi Yana, I’ve heard the advice that sometimes couples should “schedule sex” when it’s fallen off the priorities list. I brought this up to my partner and he wants sex to feel more spontaneous and “natural.” He says that schedu ling sex makes it feel forced or unromantic and like I’m adding it to a chore list rather than actually wanting to do it. I’m someone who usually needs emotional connection and mental space to feel interested in sex – especially with work stress, parenting, chores, and everyday life constantly competing for my attention. I don’t dislike sex; I just rarely want it out of nowhere like he does. This difference has started making both of us feel rejected and misunderstood and I’m starting to feel pressured to perform which is just making me want sex less. Are we missing something? Is there another way we should be doing this? Thanks so much, Booked + Getting Busy   Dear Booked,  Funny! A lot of my clients hear this exact advice in my office. And, like your partner, a lot of them wonder — hmm, isn’t scheduling sex just a way to make sex a stifled to-do list item? I get it. Putting another thing on the calendar can feel like a slog that’s beyond undesirable. However, not scheduling sex when you’re already overscheduled is a great way to have less sex than you’d like to have. Here’s why I’m generally for scheduling the good ol’ deed: Scheduling sex doesn’t need to mean that you don’t desire sex. In fact, it could even mean that you desire sex so actively that you’d like to make sure you reserve time for it. Scheduled sex leaves space for preliminary planning — shaving, douching, toy purchases, scene planning, childcare-hiring — these are prep tasks that can be challenging to do in-the-moment. Scheduling sex can deflate ongoing tension around the current cadence of your sex life. When you make intentional space for sex, you and your partner both know that it’s been bookmarked and gives higher/spontaneous desire partners something to look forward to. Lower/responsive desire partners (like yourself, Booked) can feel relief from pressure when sex is scheduled because they know when to expect sexual possibility and can build in emotionally-connecting moments around it. The goal here is to make sex both scheduled and desirable. Sometimes clients get nervous that scheduling sex means that sex must and will happen on the scheduled time and day. But that’s simply not consensual, doesn’t promote authentic desire, and undoes a lot of the benefits listed above. Instead, schedule a block of time where sex is the intention, but not the requirement. When you schedule sex, collaborate on what a Plan B is if Plan A (we have sex!) isn’t in the cards for your scheduled time. Plan Bs can look like playing Scrabble, snuggling, massages, a bath, a walk — basically, anything that promotes connection and doesn’t involve your screens or your chores. Rather than a specific date and time, pick a time bracket. For example, instead of saying “We are going to have sex on Saturday at 11:30 a.m.,” say “At some point this weekend, [name] will initiate sex and/or connection time.” This way, initiation can still feel organic and the intention for connection still has a meaningful time-bound container. Get clear about what initiation looks like and who is going to do it. Many couples completely miss each other when initiating sex or connection — one partner’s “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable” can easily be another partner’s “Cool, I’m going to throw sweats on for TV time, too.” Instead, get specific about what it looks and sounds like when someone initiates and when in doubt, defaulting to “Hey, do you want to meet me upstairs in 10 for sex?” can get your point across just fine. And you know what, Booked? Ultimately your partner isn’t wrong — scheduled sex is “unnatural” which, I think, is directly related to how hard it is to attempt to have a healthy, robust, fun, relaxing sex life within the confines of our unnaturally-fast-paced, sex-shamey world. I could insert a rant here about trying to enjoy meaningful relationships and pleasure within the confines of our current 2026 world, but that’s a different column entirely. Yana Tallon-Hicks, LMFT is a relationship therapist, sex educator, and author living in the Pioneer Valley. You can find her work and her professional contact information on her website, yanatallonhicks.com. ...read more read less