by Anonymous I am here connecting with my queerness, or trying to. I am here remembering to smile when I look in the mirror. I am here filling my physical spaces with affirmations and joyful rebellion. I am here talking to my therapist in too delicate of a way. I am here worrying about the way I sound on the phone, not able to hide my impatience. I am here trying to fill the void your love left in myself. I am here wondering why I am not heartbroken in the way I expected. I am here wondering if I am capable of the love you gave me. I am here talking myself down from calling myself a monster. I am here getting it wrong most of the time. I am here trying not to let the fact that you are still there stop me. I am here trying to figure out if everything I felt was a a facade, too convincing that I myself fell for it. I am here trying to figure out if I deceived us both so well we won’t recover. I am here feeling nauseous answering your calls and hoping you can’t tell. I am here with my jaw clenched, trying to breathe. I am here wondering what anything else looks like. I am here not feeling good enough. I am here starting to believe my friends when they say I look hot. I am here holding things in. I am here crying when I see an unexpected picture of our loss. I am here scared I have more clarity than I had. I am here on one side of this and you are there on a different side. I am here and you are there and I am here and you are there. ...read more read less