by Elinor Jones Hellllooooo, sweet baby angel Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I have missed you! My latest column was part of the Valentine's issue, so I feel like we haven't had one of these rambling web-only columns in ages. (Web-only co lumns are often more fun because the editors barely look at them and word count doesn't matter so I can pretty much just say whatever I want for however long I want and they still send me those sweet freelance payments consisting of coupons to local sports events and whatever leftover holiday candy is floating around the office.) There is so much to catch up on!  The Royal Treatment The jobless old man formerly known as Prince Andrew was arrested last week for "misconduct in public office" stemming from his connection to famed pedophile and Trump's longtime good friend Jeffrey Epstein. Andrew is the first royal to be arrested in four centuries, and not only that, he was arrested on his birthday! You know that an adult man who still expected to be called a "Prince" definitely still celebrated his birthday, and asked the guys at jail if they'd hurry up with his mug shot so he could be home in time for cake and presents. Or if this would be delayed, perhaps they could ring his staff, and have them bring his presents down to the nick?  While Andrew is the only person to be arrested due to being named in the files so far, there has been other fallout. For example, Jimmy Fallon had to back out of the pasta sauce collab with friend Tommy Mottola because Mottola's name appeared some 600 times in the Epstein files. Oh no! Not the Jimmy Fallon and Tommy Mottola pasta sauce collab—the thing that this world needed most!!!!!!!!!!!! Other Men Being Arrested Lots of white men up to no good these days! I mean, that's not shocking, but the fact they're facing consequences is. Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested at a bar in New Orleans during Mardi Gras for being a belligerent asshole, trying to get into bars without a shirt on or any money, trying to be a celebrity bartender without being asked, fighting, and calling people the F word. He was quoted as saying: "those f——-s put me in jail. I'm a Catholic." And while Mardi Gras is supposed to be about getting out one's party wiggles before Lent, you can't just go around punching people and claiming Catholicism like a literal get-out-of-jail free card. If it functioned as a real Purge we'd see a lot more bank robberies in February. There are some parameters, my guy. And finally on this, the Page Six article says Shia looks "glum" in his mug shot, but I actually think he looks great; people can get far in this world with symmetrical faces. Elsewhere in the Louisiana, the father of pop star and influencer Addison Rae was arrested for exposing himself in a public setting. Apparently the arrest happened a while ago, but it was only just reported on. I kind of assumed Addison Rae got famous by having venture capitalist parents who bought her instagram followers but that is not the case at all—her dad is a flasher in a muscle tee named Monty Lopez. She is much more charming now.  Winter Excellence Team USA beat Canada in hockey for the first time since 1980, and I'm conflicted—there is some innate tribalism where I feel pride in my countrypeople, but also I have a pending application for Canadian citizenship, and I want them to be my countrypeople, and I worry that if I don't mourn their loss I will jinx my application. Also, I just completed my second watch-through of Heated Rivalry and Canadian hockey is my passion.  This Olympics has gone by so quickly! I've barely gotten to cover it. In brief, my favorite things that happened: Alysa Liu's gorgeous comeback and gold medal win. The Olympians used up all the condoms in three days due to "higher than anticipated demand." But most of all, the Norwegian biathlete who confessed to cheating on his girlfriend in a post-event interview in hopes of winning her back. LOL. She 100 percent cooked up this plan over drinks with her girlfriends and then told you she'd maybe think about taking you back if you made some sort of grand gesture on television, because she wanted you to embarrass yourself because she hates you and then you did it She is not taking you back. Dumbass.  Bullying Works! Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder recently revealed on a podcast that he relapsed into smoking ciggies early in Covid and then his buddy Martin Short bullied him into quitting. Martin Short could probably quip anyone out of just about any habit, I'd think. And that he's dating Meryl Streep now just makes him even more powerful. Imagine the two of them catching you doing something bad and staring you up and down. What if one of them raised an eyebrow? What if they both did? What if both of them raised both eyebrows? Honestly, I'd rather set myself on fire.  Unrelated but I'm going to put it right here—some rich guy wants to date Nicole Kidman now that she's single again. Yeah, I bet he does! But so what? Nicole Kidman doesn't need to date a rich man! If there is anyone who doesn't need to date a crusty, entitled rich man, it's Nicole Kidman. She is a stunning divorced woman who, by the way, is already rich. She needs to date a hot man. A young, hot idiot, who could crush a soda can in his armpit. Give this woman a Smith Jerrod or GTFO.  Local Trash Cardi B played a show at the Moda Center last week and afterwards she went on Instagram and said we were her loudest show yet, and she was not familiar with our game. LOL. Okay, what's funny about this is I saw a blurb about her talking about Portland on Instagram and I made a mental note to mention it here and I clocked it as her thinking that we were "cool." But when I went back to it, she did not say we were "cool," she said we were "loud" which is an important distinction. She was either complimenting us or negging us, and either way, please and thank you.  The Quad God Ilia Malinin posted in support of saving the Lloyd Center ice rink. Okay, well, then come over here and start doing back flips on it. Posting isn't enough. A peacock doesn't charm a hen without showing off his beautiful feathers, after all. If you were given a nickname for a body part, what would it be? And would you like it? Mine would maybe be like, "Elinormal." Because I'm average. Anyway, that's all for now. I hope you have a great week, and I hope I didn't make it weird. Honorifically,   ...read more read less