Want more Jeff Edelstein? Head over to jeffedelstein.substack.com Love him or hate him, Donald Trump proved something twice now: experience in politics doesn’t matter. You don’t need to have been a governor, or a senator, or even student council treasurer to run the free world. You just need … whatever it is he has. A thing. A vibe. A following. A nickname for your opponents. And once you accept that — and honestly, we all accepted it about 10 years ago — the possibilities open right up. Because if politics is just personality now, then yeah, maybe it’s time to start thinking seriously about who should run the country next. Not in a “policy platform” way; I’m talking about who could actually bring us together. It’s never too early to start thinking about 2028. And no, I’m not running. I can barely get my three kids to school on time, and I once got lost in my own town. But I’ve got some ideas about who should. First off: Dolly Parton. We all love Dolly. She’s basically the last unifying force in America. Democrats love her. Republicans love her. Your grandma loves her. She donates books, builds amusement parks, funded COVID vaccine research, and wrote “Jolene.” What else do you need? I don’t even think she’d campaign. She’d just sort of smile and strum a guitar, and we’d all quietly agree she’s in charge now. And then there’s Guy Fieri. Laugh if you want, but the man raised $25 million for restaurant workers during COVID. He’s done more for small businesses than most senators. He’s out there with bleached hair and a bowling shirt, eating mozzarella sticks like a hero, supporting Main Street America one Donkey Sauce dip at a time. He’s basically what we all thought politicians were supposed to be, but with better taste in diners. Keanu Reeves would unite the country by doing absolutely nothing. He’d just stand there, nod once, and somehow the national debt goes down 20%. The State of the Union would last eight seconds. “My fellow Americans,” he’d say. “Whoa.” Standing ovation. Congress adjourns early for the first time in history because everyone’s too moved to argue. And then there’s Snoop Dogg, who has literally transcended classification. He’s been a gangster rapper, Martha Stewart’s best friend, a weed mogul, and a youth football coach. If Snoop was president, there would be no wars, because who wants to start beef with Snoop Dogg? The man could broker peace in the Middle East just by showing up with a blunt and saying, “Y’all need to chill.” Boom. Peace treaty signed. Tom Hanks feels too easy, but come on. He’s America’s dad. He’s handled Nazis, pirates, volcanoes, airports, and volleyball-based loneliness. The man survived on an island with nothing but a Wilson ball and his wits. He’d give a speech so calm and reassuring that Wall Street would just quietly decide to behave for once. The only problem is the debates. The other candidate would say something nasty, and Hanks would just look disappointed. And that would hurt worse than any insult. You know who’d be good? Shaq. He’s so physically enormous that no one would ever try to storm anything again. He could end all political debates just by standing up. Vice President? Charles Barkley. Press Secretary? Ernie Johnson. The whole TNT crew. I’d watch C-SPAN for the first time in my life. I’d also consider Jennifer Coolidge, because there’s no version of international diplomacy where Jennifer Coolidge doesn’t immediately win. “Oh my God, you all look so… legislative,” she’d say to Congress, and everyone would melt into bipartisan goo. She’d walk into the G7, do that voice, and suddenly everyone’s apologizing to each other and signing trade deals. And if we’re being honest, maybe the best candidate isn’t even a celebrity. Maybe it’s the CEO of Costco. You ever see how well that place runs? It’s clean, it’s calm, everyone’s polite, and they pay decent wages. You get your free samples, your 48-pack of toilet paper, your sense that the world still makes sense. Imagine a country that functions like a Costco. Everything works. Everything’s affordable. Everyone leaves happy. We’d be unstoppable. Taylor Swift would obviously win in a landslide, but I’m not sure the country could handle it. She sneezes and the Federal Reserve adjusts rates. But honestly? She already controls the economy. Might as well make it official. And finally: Marshawn Lynch. Just picture him at a press conference. “Mr. President, what’s your plan for Medicare reform?” “It’s all good.” Boom. Honesty. Clarity. The American Dream in one sentence. No spin, no bullshit, no 47-minute rambling answer about trade policy. Just the truth. So yeah. That’s my shortlist. We’ve tried lawyers, generals, governors, reality stars. Maybe it’s time for something else. Someone who reminds us that politics doesn’t have to be a blood sport. Someone fun. Someone kind. Someone who won’t make us all want to throw our phones in the toilet every morning. Because here’s the thing: America’s a mess right now. We argue about everything — taxes, vaccines, whether a hot dog is a sandwich. But maybe what we really need is a president who just doesn’t make things worse. Someone who shows up, does the job, and doesn’t turn every day into a constitutional crisis. Someone with good vibes, basically. Is that so much to ask? ...read more read less