I didn’t know much about First Lady Melania Trump before Monday when I bought a ticket to watch her new documentary “Melania”. The documentary was produced by Amazon and directed by Brett Ratner who was accused of multiple sexual assaults in 2017 and who appeared to have been friends with Jeff rey Epstein. Do the Trumps ever associate with anyone that wasn’t friends with Epstein? As of this past weekend, the documentary has grossed about $7.1 million out of a total budget of $75 million, including about $28 million paid directly to Melania Trump. The Amazon venture is part of a trend of corporations appearing to bribe the president and his family by paying the Trumps directly or choosing to settle lawsuits that appeared weak on their merits. Disney, the next highest bidder, only offered $14 million for the rights. The theater was nearly empty, just how I like it, with only a few elderly couples also in attendance.  The documentary opened with an extended scene of the first lady walking through Mar-a-Lago and other buildings while the Rolling Stone’s “Gimme Shelter” played. An interesting choice given that the song features themes of war and rape while introducing the first lady but a great song nonetheless.  The film is almost entirely composed of scenes capturing Melania choosing what to wear or talking about the decorations at various events or selecting the White House furniture. It was incredibly boring.  The thing is, a documentary about someone trying on clothing or decorating a room could be interesting if an interesting person was starring. I would watch unlimited hours of Charles Barkley trying to decorate a ballroom – the problem is that Melania is simply not interesting or charismatic enough to warrant a documentary.  Because Melania is too dull to carry a film, we moviegoers paid good money to watch Melania tell her fashion designer to adjust the size of her lapel, then watch her discuss the size of the brim on her hat, then watched Melania tell some interior design lady to engrave some cups, then watch Melania walk around in a variety of dresses at a variety of places. Melania and her producers thought that the audience would be riveted by watching one of the interior designers silently adjusting the positions of chairs at one of the events before the guests arrived. The documentary offered no unique insights into the first lady or the president. When she spoke, it was nearly always in lifeless narration that sounded like it was written by an artificial intelligence that was trained on a small dataset. The combination of bold song choices and an eye-glazing plot produced an odd dissonance in my mind. The musical cues were telling my brain that something interesting or important was about to happen but nothing ever did.  The gaudy Trump aesthetic was featured heavily as it appears that Melania also likes to surround herself with golden shiny objects. It’s possible that Melania is a deeply complex individual with a nuanced inner life but the documentary does its best to paint her as a shallow and superficial cardboard cut-out of a person. Everything she did and everything she said gave the impression that she is the cliche of a vapid rich lady.  Even when the producers actively attempted to imbue the first lady with purpose, it’s as you would expect a Kardashian to perform. At one point we see Melania in a video call with the First Lady of France Brigitte Macron with the two speaking about the problem of children spending too much time looking at screens.  Macron tells her that in France it is recommended that children under 11 not be allowed to have phones. The camera then pans down to show that Melania writes a solitary “No phones until 11” in her notebook. Why does she need to write that down and what is she going to do with that information? The producers went out of their way to create the image that she is a competent and effective first lady but it seemed like, as with her husband, Melania is someone that world leaders just have to humor.  Related Articles In Karen Bass’ alternate universe, she’s doing a fantastic job John Phillips: Matt Mahan is the anti-Gavin Newsom Why the United States should support Maria Corina Machado California needs budget restraint not double-digit spending increases Susan Shelley: California politicians sure keep the lawyers busy At several points in the documentary, the topic of immigration came up. Melania spoke about her experience as an immigrant and her perspective as someone who adopted American life, all in a thick foreign accent. Her interior designer told the camera that she arrived in the US from Laos at the age of 2. According to the first lady, “No matter where we came from, we are bound by the same humanity.” If she believes this, it doesn’t seem that the first lady has much of an influence on the decision-making of her husband.  At the conclusion of my torture, I spoke to a lovely pair of discounted admission recipients for their thoughts. “I believe she is truly one of the greatest first ladies we’ve ever had. She has done all these remarkable things that other first ladies have kinda sat back and took credit for,” said Barbara. “I was absolutely totally impressed by it,” stated Barbara’s husband. By the end, I was just happy that someone got any joy out of that. Rafael Perez is a columnist for the Southern California News Group. He is a doctoral candidate in philosophy at the University of Rochester. You can reach him at [email protected]. ...read more read less