Want more Jeff Edelstein? Head on over to jeffedelstein.substack.com I’m Jewish, my wife is Christian. Doesn’t matter. I’m a New York sports fan, she identifies with Philly. Doesn’t matter. I’m a schmuck and hard 4; she’s brilliant and a 10. Doesn’t matter. Thank god she doesn’t put mayo on her Italian hoagie, because if she did, that would’ve been it. Game over. Thanks for playing. Will the next contestant on “Who Wants To Marry This Asshat” come on down. I don’t think I’m kidding either; that would’ve broken me. OK, first things first, for those of you who don’t live in central Jersey — a refresher on just what, exactly, constitutes an Italian hoagie. Roll: Could be crusty and chewy, could be soft and doughy. Personal preference, though I lean hard on crusty and chewy. Sesame seeds optional. Meats: Salami, capicola, no question. Can add ham, mortadella, pepperoni. Sopressata, maybe even prosciuto. There’s no set answer, but salami and capicola, without question. Cheese: Sharp provolone. Another way to say that: Provolone. Veggies: Shredded iceberg lettuce, tomato, onions. Seasonings: Salt, pepper, oregano. Juice: Oil and vinegar. Got it? Good. That’s an Italian hoagie. Nothing more, nothing less. When you call a real Italian deli, and you say, “Lemme get a whole Italian,” and they say “whaddya want on it?” you can safely say “everything” and they will provide you the above. Occasionally, if you’re unsure, when they ask what you want on it, you can also simply say this: “Lettuce onion tomato salt pepper oregano oil and vinegar.” No commas, no pauses, no wasted breaths. Some people take it a step further and just make it one word: Lettuceoniontomatosaltpepperoreganooilandvinegar. That is also acceptable. What is not acceptable — what is an affront to whichever God you subscribe to (mine doesn’t dig on swine, I’ll deal with that post-death if need be) — is slathering mayonnaise on the hoagie. (Or sub, gyro, grinder, po’boy, whatever, I don’t care what you call it.) Putting mayonnaise — or as the kids say, “mayo” — on an Italian hoagie is the most disgusting, foul, terrible, horrible, worst, gross, ridiculous thing anyone can do. Not just to an Italian hoagie; I’m talking about the most disgusting, foul, terrible, horrible, worst, gross, ridiculous thing period. Like, in life. Couple of weeks ago I got an Italian from one of my go-to spots. I ordered an Italian with everything. I guess it was a new guy putting the sandwich together, because when I got home with it, there was mayo all over it. Just drenched. So what did I do? What any self-respecting New Jerseyan would do: I threw it the hell out. You ever hear of “sunk cost fallacy?” It’s this thing where you’ve already invested so much in something that you can’t walk away, even when you know you should. Like when you’re down fifty bucks at a blackjack table and you keep doubling down because you already lost the fifty, so what’s another hundred, right? Well, let me tell you something about sunk cost fallacy: It doesn’t apply to mayo on an Italian hoagie. There is no amount of money, no level of hunger, no degree of inconvenience that makes eating that abomination acceptable. I don’t care if I just drove 40 minutes in traffic to get to that deli. I don’t care if it’s the last sandwich in the tri-state area. I don’t care if I’m stranded on a desert island and it’s the difference between life and death. You put mayo on my Italian hoagie, that sandwich is dead to me. So I’m standing in my kitchen, holding this desecrated piece of bread, and I’m thinking about calling the deli. Not to complain, mind you; mistakes happen. But to educate. To maybe save the next poor bastard from this tragedy. Because somewhere out there, there’s probably some guy from Toledo who doesn’t know any better, and he’s going to order an Italian hoagie with everything, and this new kid’s going to slather it with mayo, and that guy from Toledo is going to think that’s what we do here in Jersey. And I can’t have that on my conscience. But then I realize: What am I going to say? “Hey, your new guy put mayo on my Italian hoagie”? They’re going to think I specifically asked for mayo. Because who the hell puts mayo on an Italian hoagie without being asked? An insane person, that’s who. Same person is probably busy ordering a pizza with pineapple on it, please do NOT get me started. ...read more read less