Let's go, trash pandas! It's time to dig deep into this week's bucket of gossip. by Elinor Jones Hi everybody! I'm Elinor Jones. Welcome back to the Trash Report. I almost feel bad giving you a reason to look at screen-based content when it is SO GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE. I could never live in one of those year-round summer hellholes; we need the darkness to appreciate all this light. Do I mind that the stunning greenery causes my eyes to water profusely and I sneeze so many times in a row that I get regular nosebleeds? I'll be honest: I don't love it! But it's worth it. (I say this now, in April. I might sing a different tune in June when the pollen has caused me to rub black eyes into my face. This is my smoky eye makeup hack, btw.)  Enough about that. Let's look at some trash. Doodie King Trump's doctor just released a memo regarding the results of the President's annual physical and claimed that he is a prime slab of meat (I paraphrase.) The memo said that Trump is 6' 3" and 224 lbs. This is a hilarious lie, because just last year he claimed to be 6' 2" and 240 lbs, and of course, a man's 70s aren't usually a prime time for elongation. Did he lie when he said he was 6' 2" or when he said he was 6' 3"? Trick question: he lied both times! He's actually 5' 11". The memo also said he is "fit to fulfill the duties" of the presidency and at first I was like, it's pretty depressing that I can't imagine a single person among the most powerful people in America right now not buckling over laughing at the word "duties," but then I thought, perhaps laughing at this makes them likeable, almost human-esque? Then I imagined Elon "Legalize Comedy" Musk pointing repeatedly at the Oval Office bathroom during otherwise very serious meetings repeating "did you do your presidential duties today?" and grinning uncomfortably until everybody force a chuckle so that he'd move on, and now it's not funny anymore. These motherfuckers ruin everything!!!!! In other presidential insecurity news, Trump replaced a portrait of Barack Obama that had been hanging in the White House with a portrait of himself after he survived an assassination attempt. (Well, one of his assassination attempts.) This seemed petty but not really that interesting, until I read that this specific spot in the White House is usually reserved for a portrait of whoever has been President most recently preceding the current president. In other words, it's Biden's spot, but Joe Biden hasn't yet sat for an official portrait. WTF?! He doesn't even have a job! It's s i t t i n g for a portrait, not jogging for a portrait, or enunciating clearly after 6 pm for a portrait. The hubris of that man to want to be president a second time, I mean honestly. White People Lotus Drama White Lotus aired its final episode last week but they are still dominating the news cycle with cast drama, including Jason Isaacs suggesting, and then un-suggesting, that there had been fallouts among the cast during filming, to Aimee Lou Wood and Walton Goggins unfollowing each other on socials. And I have this to say: that's enough. We're done with White Lotus. The way prestige drama works in 2025 is that there are a couple of shows that dominate the zeitgeist for a couple of months at a time, and then they wrap, and another one starts. The new season of Hacks started last week, and the new season of The Last of Us starts this week; those are our personality now. "White Lotus cast drama" couldda had legs in March. We are moving on. Coachella This is a holy time of year for celebrity-watchers like me, as the annual festival in the California desert heats up and stars gather wearing really uncomfortable-looking outfits as they try to appear chill. (Seriously, I clicked through this whole fashion reel and the only outfit that looked appealing to me was Spencer Pratt's.) Also at Coachella: Weezer! They played to a huge crowd on Saturday. The band has been in the news quite a bit this week, because their bassist's wife got arrested for shooting at and being shot by a cop. Hey, how white is the band Weezer? So white that having family members in a literal shootout with cops impacts your life so minimally that you still do Coachella.  In other fashion news, Justin Bieber has invented a new way to wear hats! It involves getting a bucket hat, and then rolling the rim part up to give it the appearance of a regular beanie. "Then why not just wear a beanie," you ask? Because this is a new way to wear hats, and Justin Bieber invented it. He also was recently papped wearing a t-shirt with his own face on it. The man knows how to dress! I often wear a shirt with several raccoons on it, so I can appreciate being self-referential in fashion. Justin Bieber is 31 years old, which feels wrong, so for the sake of the rest of our sanity I propose we just call him 19 forever. — Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman.bsky.social) April 11, 2025 at 3:54 PM Hollywoodland The Minecraft movie has been killing it at the box office. I was served this article from Pajiba: "How Jack Black Became Every Eight-Year-Old's Favorite Actor." So I asked my daughter (age 8) who her favorite actor is. "Jack Black," she said without looking up from her iPad. This is why School of Rock is the perfect family movie in 2025: it has Jack Black and Mike White.  A film couldn't be more our shit if it tried. Speaking of darling celebrities: power couple Rami Malek and Emma Corrin have reportedly called it quits after dating for two years. I liked the two of them together because they both have such striking facial structures and pointy cheekbones. I imagined their bones making clanking sounds when they kissed, like someone shaking a toolbox full of wrenches.  Legal Briefs The lawsuit alleging sexual assault against Diddy has been updated, and the new version removes reference to Jay-Z and Beyoncé. Their attorneys were said to have produced evidence that the couple were not in Miami at the time of the incident. This is why if I ever sue anyone I'm going to ask a hyper-online 20-year-old woman to doublecheck my evidence. I don't know why anyone would even use a lawyer anymore. Good and Bad News for California Good news for California: their sea lions aren't the spawn of Satan! Bad news for California: their sea lions have been poisoned by toxic algae. This is one of those glass-half-full situations, I guess. People had been reporting aggressive sea lions around the beach, calling them "demonic." Scientists say that this was a neurological response to eating fish full of toxins. Fortunately, the sea lions can be treated, and the toxicity from the algae is not passed along to humans who have been bitten. "Aw man," said Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., prodding a comatose sea lion's face with his bare feet. More hilariously, Portland is found to be cooler than Los Angeles. Ha! Take that, LA! The study used such factually important "cool" signifiers as tattoo shops, vegan food, and record stores per capita. "Sounds about right," I said tattooedly. I don't think they used mental status of local sea lions as a qualifier though, because honestly, Southern California would have us beat there. The demon sea lions might be a public nuisance but they are metal as hell. Our little soy-boys would never. Okay, now stop reading this trash! Go outside! Or if you are already outside, put down your small rectangle and turn your face towards the sun. Doesn't that feel nice? I'm happy for you. Thank you for reading, and I will talk to you very soon. Allergically,   ...read more read less