On top of dealing with what may be painful and stressful medical treatment, cancer patients sometimes find themselves befuddled and burdened by awkward gifts or gestures from friends and family members. Loved ones may fumble while trying to express care, like by sending meats and cheeses to a vegan patient or gift cards that are difficult to redeem. But being mindful of a patient’s needs can help guide the gift giver. Ray Scott had never imagined he’d be diagnosed at age 52 with a cancer typically found in infants. “Acute lymphoblastic leukemia, type B,” he recalled. “My diagnosis came out of the blue; my doctor dropped the bomb on the phone in the middle of my workday.” Scott is among the nearly 4 out of 10 people in the U.S. who will face a cancer diagnosis in their lifetime, according to the American Cancer Society. For him, the worst parts of his treatment from 2022 to 2023 were the monthly visits for a lumbar puncture, when the medical team would insert a needle into his back to collect cerebrospinal fluid and administer a chemotherapy treatment directly into his spine. Intangible gifts Scott said his family and friends gave him many intangible gifts throughout his cancer journey. “My wife, friends, daughters … they gave me the gift of their presence,” he said. “They would all take turns sitting with me in the hospital, sometimes staying days and overnight. I was so terrified, but thanks to them, I never felt like I was dealing with cancer on my own.” His friend Juan García gave him the gift of running errands and the use of a car. “Juan always made sure we had things taken care of at home and ran miscellaneous errands for us,” Scott said of García, who is now moving to Texas. “He gave us the use of his car to get back and forth to appointments after I was released from initial care, which was huge, because driving from the North to the South Side is no picnic. And my appointments for the first year were frequent, sometimes three to four times a month.” His wife gave him the gift of encouragement. Ray Scott, Juan García and Scott’s wife, Vesna Siftar, stand outside Scott’s home as Siftar prepares to help drive García to Texas, March 28, 2025. (Antonio Perez/Chicago Tribune) “I hate to admit it, but I was an awful patient at home,” Scott said. “My wife took the brunt of my very ugly days, but she never wavered. One day, about six months into treatment, I started seeing Post-it notes from her all over our condo. She wrote a little reminder on each one: ‘I love you when you are not feeling well,’ ‘I love you when you are in a cranky mood,’ ‘I love that you are a fighter.’ I can’t explain how much she means to me and how much she helped me get through that tough chapter of my life.” Small, thoughtful, unexpected gifts meant the world to Teresa Carter Goodrich, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in August 2020. “One of the best gifts I received was a beautiful wig and a set of magnetic eyelashes,” she said. “Another was a care package right before I started chemo with a blanket, eye mask and a steel-lined water bottle with words of encouragement. My aunt sent me slippers, a cuddly pink teddy bear, puzzle books and lip balm.” Ask what a patient needs For John Beske, who was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia, the same diagnosis as Scott, in February 2019, gifts that offered comfort meant the most. “One of my good friends asked a simple question: ‘What would make your life better right now?’ Then she created an online ‘support squad’ and a shareable list of my needs, where people could add items or mark gifts as sent,” Beske said. “My hair fell out, I had temperature sensitivities and my immune system was completely down for the count. So finding comfort, no matter how small, was crucial. Friends sent me stocking caps, soft blankets, fingerless gloves and slip-on shoes. Every single gift that gave me even a little extra comfort was so appreciated.” Cash is practical Like many cancer patients, Beske, a freelance graphic designer and activist, faced financial struggles during his journey toward remission. Unable to maintain his usual workload, his income plummeted. “I could only work a couple of hours a day, so any financial help was deeply appreciated,” Beske said. “That said, gift cards can be quite complicated to redeem; direct cash donations are so much more practical and easier to manage. The last thing someone undergoing grueling treatment needs to worry about is paying the bills.” Time and connection But Beske found the greatest gift was connection. “I felt so comforted when a friend would call or stop by just to chat, especially about plans for future adventures we could enjoy together, when I’d finish treatment,” he said. Colleen Hayes, treated for breast cancer in March 2017, deeply appreciated the simple gift of quality time. “Spending time with a friend and chatting about anything other than cancer kept my spirits up,” Hayes said. “I really appreciated the friends who called me and asked if I’d like to meet for lunch. There were limited things I could tolerate food-wise, so I appreciated those friends who let me pick the restaurant. Other friends would call to check in and ask, ‘Hey, I just made chicken and dumplings, can I drop some off? What time works for you?’ I appreciated that they checked in first, instead of just dropping off a meal.” Skip the advice Although most of these cancer patients said their friends and family had the best intentions at heart, some gifts unfortunately added stress to their situation. The most unwanted gift? Unsolicited advice. “Please, don’t give advice,” Hayes said. “I wanted to say, ‘I have the best medical team and trust them. I don’t need to know what you read on WebMD.'” Carter Goodrich had been upfront about not wanting advice. “I was very open about my experience on social media and made it clear that I had a fantastic oncologist and preferred not to receive unsolicited advice,” she said. “Most people respected that. However, a ‘friend’ insisted I try hydrogen peroxide, for example. Fortunately, there weren’t many like that.” Beske appreciated all acts of kindness. “That said, someone sent a big bag of groceries — all meat and cheese — and others dropped off casseroles,” he said. “Not only was I on a special, low-bacteria, super-restrictive diet — I couldn’t even eat fresh fruit, for example — but I’m also vegan.” Staying positive Ray Scott, left, and friend Juan García enjoy a moment before before García heads to Texas, March 28, 2025. (Antonio Perez/Chicago Tribune)Juan García, left, looks on as his friend Ray Scott hugs his wife, Vesna Siftar, goodbye as García prepares to leave for Texas, March 28, 2025. (Antonio Perez/Chicago Tribune)Juan García, Ray Scott and Scott’s wife, Vesna Siftar, walk toward García’s car on March 28, 2025, as García and Siftar leave for Texas. (Antonio Perez/Chicago Tribune)Ray Scott, left, and friend Juan García chat as García prepares to leave for Texas from Scott’s home in Chicago, March 28, 2025. (Antonio Perez/Chicago Tribune)Juan García and Ray Scott both put on and tie their shoes as García prepares to leave for Texas from Scott’s home in Chicago, March 28, 2025. (Antonio Perez/Chicago Tribune)Show Caption1 of 5Ray Scott, left, and friend Juan García enjoy a moment before before García heads to Texas, March 28, 2025. (Antonio Perez/Chicago Tribune)Expand Scott faced challenges with friends and family who approached his situation with long faces and even tears. “I always try to maintain a positive mindset,” Scott said. “Before my diagnosis, a friend lost her battle with cancer. I read a post on her Facebook wall that said, ‘I run towards life, not away from death.’ Those words stuck with me. “What was not helpful were the sad faces and constant, ‘Oh, Ray, how are you feeling?’ in a tone that made it seem like I already had one foot in the grave. I was screaming inside, ‘Get away from me with that sad attitude!” Beske had similar experiences. “People really want you to get better and sometimes get frustrated when you don’t. My wife, Marla, my main caregiver, and I often had to comfort them,” he said. “It’s a horrible position to be in. Sometimes visitors felt awful because I looked awful. Try to keep your mood high and positive. I get it: You don’t know what to say or do, but start by sharing some fun memories we’ve had together. Let’s talk about the times we laughed and had fun together, when cancer wasn’t yet part of my life.” It’s not about you It’s important to understand that needs change at each point in the cancer journey, said Allana Ferguson, a licensed clinical social worker with the Lurie Cancer Center at Northwestern Medicine. “I always tell them to meet the individual where they are. We often think we know what our loved one needs, but sometimes the patient needs none of that,” she said. “Patients themselves may not even know what they need. They might say they’re fine or don’t need anything. In such cases, offering smaller, more tangible acts is helpful. Instead of asking broad questions like, ‘How can I help?’ consider saying, ‘I’m running to Trader Joe’s. Do you need any basics?’” Ferguson said someone going through a crisis might be too overwhelmed to pinpoint their needs. “Breaking down offers into smaller tasks — like picking up bread and milk or offering a ride — can make a big difference,” she said. “Simple, manageable offers help the patient process the assistance more easily.” When a patient receives a life-changing diagnosis like cancer, they might experience anger, be deeply overwhelmed, or in shock, which can lead to immobilization, Ferguson said. “These emotions can transform a person; typically peppy and cheerful individuals may become so sad that they can’t stop crying,” she said. “Some patients shut down emotionally and try to function as usual, with the rational part of their brain going into overdrive. Give the person a minute. … Allow them time and space to process the initial diagnosis.” Ferguson’s advice: Treat the patient as normally as possible and keep checking in. “Eventually, you’ll receive a clue from your loved one on how to help and move forward,” she said. “It’s crucial to understand that it’s not about you. Remind them: I’m here for you.” Beyond the treatment Early detection and treatment advancements have led to better outcomes and increased hope for patients. Carter Goodrich, who completed cancer treatment in June 2021, began writing her first novel that November. “Cancer is why,” she said. “It’s something I’d always wanted to do, and I decided to stop waiting. The sixth book was published last month!” On Jan. 30, 2020, Beske celebrated a big milestone: His 100th day after a bone-marrow transplant. He’s been in remission for five years. Hayes has been cancer-free since 2022. “I never wanted my cancer to become more than how I perceived it — a blip on the radar of my life,” she said. “I didn’t consider myself a warrior; I considered myself lucky in so many ways. I often joked that I got cancer at the best time — summer! I even looked cute bald! “It’s important to recognize that not everyone has the same journey with cancer,” Hayes said. “Many women endure far more difficult circumstances due to lack of health care access and insurance. So while some friends wanted to hold fundraisers for me, I turned it around said, ‘Hey, let’s not focus on my cancer; let’s focus on working toward excellent health care access for everyone.’” Scott credits his doctors with saving his life. And one of the best days of his life, he said, was the day of his final chemo treatment. “Seeing the relief in my best friend Terrell’s face when I told him I was done, in complete remission! Later that day, he took over an entire bar and made everyone stop and listen as he shouted to tell the world what I had been through,” Scott said. “All the free drinks that night!” Amy Bizzarri is a freelancer. ...read more read less