The Stranger's Only News Roundup by Hannah Murphy Winter Good morning! It’s April Fools Day, a day that has a storied history of tricking journalists into reporting stupid fictional shit—from predator trout to the first human-po wered flight machine. Stay sharp and keep your parents away from the internet until midnight. IRL, the rain’s only sticking around til 10 a.m., and it’s kindly staying away til the sun goes down, so get out there and enjoy the grey. Until then, grab a Mighty-O poop donut, and let’s get into it. Council Loves to Blame Defund SPD: Later today, City Council is voting on Resolution 32167, a nonbinding “public safety” resolution that is trying to blame the Defund SPD movement for the fact that our police department is still under federal consent decree (which basically means we’re being babysat by the DOJ). Introduced by Rob Saka, the resolution is framed as a step toward ending the consent decree. It reaffirms the city’s support for police, fire, and other first responders, but also specifically disavows any efforts to “defund or abolish SPD services or personnel.” The problem? We never defunded SPD, and we’re still being babysat by the feds because we can’t get our police oversight game together. The resolution won’t change any law or policy, but if (when) they pass it later today, City Council should be embarrassed that they’re still trying to peddle this straight-up lie. Stranger contributor Tobias Coughlin-Bogue will have more on it after the vote. School District Tattles on Washington to Fasc Daddy: Last week, the Kennewick School District filed a complaint with the U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights, claiming that they’re in an impossible position: disobey Trump’s Executive Order and allow trans athletes to compete in school sports; or break state law and ban them. The district—which is about an hour west of Walla Walla—explains to the DOE that they’re already on Trump’s side on the issue, with classic “don’t let dicks in the locker room” coded language: “The Kennewick School Board is committed to ensuring the protection of biological female athletics, maintaining ‘all-female’ locker rooms separate from male locker rooms, and prioritizing the privacy rights of our students,” they wrote in the complaint. “However, we find ourselves caught between conflicting directives that threaten not only our federal funding but also the rights and values of the families we serve.” This is what boot licking looks like. The school district asked for three things: Assurance that if they’re obedient subjects, they won’t lose federal funding; confirmation that either the school district or the federal government gets control over how they treat their trans students; and an investigation into Washington State’s Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction for civil rights and “parental rights” violations. Cruelty Is the Point: Two weeks ago, Fife police believe a 26-year-old drove an SUV covered in fake ICE decals around a Ukrainian market, honking and blocking the parking lot entrance. Ukrainian store employees were scared and thought authorities were “coming for them,” police said. On closer examination, in much smaller print, the decal said “ICE Deliveries.” He’s still being charged with second-degree criminal impersonation. He pleaded not guilty. Why Did They Think ICE Was Coming for Them? Because ICE officers have been making themselves very noticeable in Washington these days. Last week, they detained Alfredo “Lelo” Juarez Zeferino, a farmworker activist in Skagit County, and Lewlyn Dixon, a lab technician at UW Medicine, both of whom are now being held at the Northwest Detention Center in Tacoma. At least 100 protesters showed up outside of the facility over the weekend. La Resistencia, which helped coordinate the protest, said that they video-called a migrant detained in the facility during the rally, and they said that “the large public display of support brought tears inside the detention facility.” Photographer Jake Nelson was there for The Stranger. Check it out.  Death of 10,000 Cuts: This morning, Health and Human Services Secretary RFK Jr. made good on his promise to lay off 10,000 people from his department. According to the New York Times, combined with earlier cuts and departures, this will shrink the department by almost a quarter. The officials responsible for minority health and infectious disease prevention were both laid off, as well as our top tobacco regulator, staff who oversee veterinary medicine, and the people who review new drug applications. Entire departments at the CDC studying chronic diseases and environmental problems were cut. HIV prevention was gutted. The FDA alone lost 3,500 staff members. Don’t Call It a Filibuster: But Cory Booker has been speaking on the Senate floor since 7 p.m. last night, and as of 11 a.m. ET today, he was still talking. This isn’t to block specific legislation. It’s a protest of the Trump Administration’s “complete disregard for the rule of law, the Constitution and the needs of the American people,” and it’s possibly the strongest demonstration of protest we’ve seen in our federal representatives. Around dawn, he said: “I’m wide awake. I’m going to stand here for as many hours as I can.” New Blood: King County has a new executive this morning. Dow Constantine, who’s been in the role since 2009, has officially stepped into his new $450,000-a-year job as the head of Sound Transit, and King County Council has named his deputy, Shannon Braddock, to finish out the last nine months of his term. So what do we know about her? She’s the first-ever woman in the role. She’s lost two elections in the last 10 years—one for city council and one for state senate—and we endorsed her opponent both times. What was our beef? Mostly her big-business leanings. We’ll be watching. Two-Wheeled Highway: While Washington State has been struggling to fund most of its major transportation projects, the chair of the state Senate Transportation Committee says financing a statewide bikeway system is cheap enough to pull off. The project would connect our existing major bike paths across the state—the Burke-Gilman, Palouse to Cascades, Eastrail, and Spokane’s Centennial—for less than $50 million over two years. It’s orders of magnitude cheaper than car infrastructure AND better for our environment. Let’s fucking go.  It Wasn’t Aliens, This Time: Over the weekend, Seattleites noticed a dark grey smoke ring hovering over the city. Was it a vape cloud? An alien chem trail? Or, as one commenter asked: “Is that the tornado?” Most likely, our big black halo was thanks to the pyrotechnics show at Lumen’s Supercross event this weekend. KING 5’s meteorologist says it didn’t affect air quality. But like—look at that thing.           View this post on Instagram                       A post shared by Lumen Field (@lumenfield) After All That Smoke-Ring Excitement: Here’s a gentle groove for your Tuesday morning. This duo met at Mali’s Institute for the Young Blind, and they’ve been making (Grammy-nominated) music together ever since. ...read more read less