Scrub in, because we're digging deep into this week's pile of garbage-y gossip. by Elinor Jones Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones, writing to you from the highly niche, but real mood described as "this season of White Lotus is ending pretty soon and then I won't know what to talk to people about." I hope you're more normal than I am! The news has been so horrible lately, I'm really steering clear of the darkest bits this week, because it's too bleak. I know a lot of organizing is happening around us, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, so I guess I'll make my little jokes? Let's give it a shot, I guess! Fortune's Foliage In addition to norms and constitutionality, Trump is also dumping on a beloved bit of White House decor: An ivy plant that was given to President John F. Kennedy in 1961 and has resided on the mantle of the Oval Office for the past six decades has been removed by Trump and replaced by a collection of golden doodads. These could be trophies, they could be Emmys, they could be as fake as the Time magazine cover mock-up he used to hang in his resorts. While the beloved ivy plant was signified tradition, growth, and care, the golden baubles up there now signify "I'm a guy that likes tacky gold shit." You know, if there were a Venn diagram where one circle is "people with bad taste in chalices" and the other circle is "Nazis," the middle part would just be 1) bad guys from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and 2) this fuckin' guy.  Speaking of greenery, Usha and J.D. Vance visited Greenland last week. It was initially going to be just Usha and she was going to get a tour of the area and see a dogsled race, but then J.D. crashed her solo time and made it worse for everyone. They pretty much just visited an army base, pissed off the locals, and came home. Usha must have been so irritated. She could have had, like, five days in a hotel alone; instead she got a barracks meal and a bunch of 1:1 time with her loser husband who was probably extra mopey from finding out that he is polling worse than any Vice President in history.  You know how sometimes you invite a friend somewhere and you're excited to catch up and then they show up with their wet blanket of a partner in tow, because he just got some bad news at work, and she thought it might be nice to get him out of the house, and he kills the vibe and he thinks it's because her friends are lame when in actuality it's just that he sucks all the joy out of a space like a Dementor? That's this.  me coming in guns-a-blazing, with absolute certainty and confidence that what I say next will eliminate any doubt about my competence[image or embed] — Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff.bsky.social) March 26, 2025 at 10:15 AM Elsewhere in the Oligarchy Comedian Edi Patterson of the Righteous Gemstones recently went on a tear on Instagram, because the health insurance company UnitedHealthcare denied coverage for her mother's necessary care at a rehabilitation facility. In case you forgot, that is the company whose CEO was murdered in December, allegedly by Luigi Mangione, to which most of America responded with "I don't condone murder, but I mean...." Speaking of Luigi Mangione, his attorney said that Luigi is concerned about protecting the confidentiality of the McDonald's employee who ratted him out. He doesn't want anything to happen to that person, because he cares! There's no denying that Luigi is a compassionate king (except of course towards the one guy he [allegedly] murdered in broad daylight. Otherwise: compassion, across the board.) If you want any other places to direct your rage at the billionaire class, Jeff Bezos' fiancée Lauren Sanchez was recently papped carrying a Balenciaga purse that looks like a coffee cup and costs $6,000. Next time Amazon jacks up the price of a Prime membership, we'll all have to wonder if they were just being irresponsible and wasting all their money on expensive coffee purses.    Unrelated but a fun fact: US Customs and Border Patrol (boooooooooo) reported that they have busted more people smuggling eggs than smuggling fentanyl at the border. And you're probably like, not by a lot though, right? Wrong! There were 413 fentanyl seizures so far this fiscal year and 5,572 egg seizures. Apparently it's not a giant criminal enterprise or anything—most of the seizures are just people bringing in eggs with other groceries they've purchased, because they don't realize that poultry isn't supposed to cross borders. But this makes me wonder, have the people getting busted trying to sneak in fentanyl ever tried claiming it was a simple misunderstanding?  A Journey This headline says so much, yet not nearly enough: "Georgia bagpiper dies in Hawaii scuba dive accident days before missing son's skeletal remains found in backyard treehouse." Does a person even need to click through when so much has already been laid out there? And the answer is "yes." This headline is written in a way that suggests all sorts of foul play, like the scuba diving accident and skeletal remains were related. They weren't. The son had gone missing years earlier and the father—being in his 70s—had never checked the treehouse. Why would he, right? I think he would have. And you think it's not salacious. The inclusion of him being a bagpiper does not seem germane to his passing in a scuba diving accident UNTIL you learn that at 74, he'd been playing a bagpipe for at least 55 years, meaning he started in his teens, which is just the kind of whimsical backstory that would lead one to believe he is exactly the kind of guy who would have been using his backyard treehouse well into his 70s! So I DO suspect foul play! Celebrifrenemies Page Six said that Jennifer Aniston and Chelsea Handler don't bro down hard anymore, because Jen likes a private lifestyle whereas Handler is a blabbermouth who turns everything into content for her comedy. Uh, yeah?? AND?!?!?!? Anyway, I don't think Jennifer Aniston would want to be friends with me. :( Elsewhere in Hollywood, Nicole Kidman is doing press for her new movie and, when asked what she is currently obsessed with, she said "hairless cats." Okay now THIS is a celebrity I could be friends with. Sidney Sweeney Updates New pictures of Sidney Sweeney show her sans engagement ring, suggesting that she has called off the wedding that was supposed to be held in May. A million men felt a glimmer of hope in their nether regions. "I bet she'd like me," they said with an unearned confidence that is so clueless it's almost cute. Two days later, news broke that she'd met up with former co-star (and rumor mill fodder) Glen Powell, and all hope was lost. What a rebound for Sweeney though! She didn't even have to have a Matty Healy dirtbag moment first. In other "get it, girl" news, newly single Jessica Simpson is making a pass at Jeremy Renner via Instagram comments. Having just read her memoir, I'm already deep in a Jessica Simpson appreciation moment, and this is the cherry on top; while celebrities could easily point to who they want to date like desserts on a menu, I like that Jessica is doing it in the comments like us normies. Stars: they're just like us—messy on main.  '90s Movies Updates Some 30-year-old tea that will hit the spot for anyone in my microgeneration only: Corey Feldman recently shared that he'd been cast in Leonardo DiCaprio's role in What's Eating Gilbert Grape, but Johnny Depp got him fired by saying he was a junkie. This is the same Johnny Depp who owned the nightclub where River Phoenix died of a drug overdose, so like, I ain't buying it. DiCaprio's first Oscar nomination came from that film and I wonder what Feldman's life would have been like if he'd gotten to stay in the part. Would he have been nominated for an Oscar? Would he have made a good Jack Dawson? Would he go on to have a series of 25-year-old girlfriends?  In other films that my family owned on VHS during an impressionable time in my life, cult classic Empire Records turns 30 this year and several stars got together at a '90s Con to talk about how fun making the movie was. I believe it! I really recommend reading the piece if you also loved that movie. Brief non-spoiler: absent from the panel was co-star Renee Zellweger and I suppose that makes sense; she just got cast in the next season of Only Murders in the Building and if she wants to get into the right headspace for that role, she definitely can't be fraternizing with normal people. Wow, I've written way too much, I am not going to do a Local Trash bit this week. Besides, this is coming out on a Monday, and what are you doing reading this column when you could be reading new theories about what's going to happen in The White Lotus?! Thanks for reading, but come on—get your priorities straight! JK. I love you. Luxuriously,   ...read more read less