Divorce is one of life’s most painful transitions. It’s a legal and financial event, but it’s also an emotional and psychological reckoning. While you must not neglect working with an attorney to protect your rights, an accountant to minimize your tax burden, and a wealth adviser to safeguard your assets, it’s also necessary to support your mindset, emotional well-being, and personal leadership. As an executive coach, I’ve seen the full spectrum of how people navigate divorce. Some get lost in bitterness, paralyzed by fear, or consumed by regret. Others use it as a catalyst for transformation, emerging stronger, wiser and more deeply fulfilled. What makes the difference? It’s not money, legal strategy, or luck. It’s the mindset and leadership approach they bring to the process. This article is not about the mechanics of divorce; it’s about how you show up for yourself in the midst of it. It’s about leading yourself through one of life’s toughest negotiations with the same clarity, composure and strategic thinking that you would bring to a high-stakes business deal. Leading with clarity Divorce often triggers a fight-or-flight response. Some people lash out — weaponizing lawyers, children or finances to inflict pain. Others shut down, surrendering to decisions that don’t serve them because they’re too emotionally depleted to advocate for themselves. Neither response leads to a positive outcome. The alternative? Leading yourself with clarity and responsiveness, rather than reactivity. Take Rachel, a successful entrepreneur. When her husband blindsided her with divorce papers, she spiraled into panic. She wanted to “win” the divorce, take him for everything, and make him regret leaving. But after one particularly brutal argument, she realized she was letting pain — not strategy — drive her decisions. She took a step back and asked herself: — What do I want my life to look like after this? — Who do I want to be on the other side of this divorce? — How do I ensure my decisions reflect my highest self, not my most wounded self? This shift changed everything. Instead of making emotionally charged decisions, Rachel created a future-focused game plan. In addition to engaging an attorney and working with her certified public accountant and wealth adviser, she also hired a therapist and set boundaries to protect her energy. Most importantly, she stopped reacting to every email and legal maneuver from her ex. She responded strategically — sometimes by choosing not to respond at all. By the time the divorce was finalized, she wasn’t just surviving, she was thriving. Winning the long game Divorce is a masterclass in high-stakes communication. The way you speak to your ex, your children and even your advisers can either inflame conflict or pave the way for a smoother transition. John, a senior executive, learned this the hard way. His divorce started amicably, but as tensions rose, every conversation with his ex turned into a verbal boxing match. Each text, email and meeting left them both angrier and less cooperative. His wake-up call came when his attorney said, “John, you’re spending thousands of dollars fighting over issues that wouldn’t even matter if you could just have one productive conversation.” John spent years coaching his employees on emotional intelligence, conflict resolution and negotiation skills, but he wasn’t applying any of it to his divorce. He reached out to me as we had worked together in the past. “I need help in approaching communicating with my ex like I would in a business negotiation,” he said. Here is the framework we used to approach his goals: —Know your non-negotiables. What are the key outcomes you need? —Pick your battles. Not every issue is worth the emotional or financial cost of a fight. —Remove emotion from emails and texts. If it wouldn’t go in a professional work email, it shouldn’t go in a message to your ex. When he applied these principles, his legal bills shrank, his stress decreased and negotiations became more productive. He realized that winning the long game meant keeping his dignity — and his finances — intact. Avoiding costly mistakes Stress clouds judgment. Divorce is a minefield of high-stakes decisions, from custody arrangements to asset division. Making these choices under emotional duress can have consequences for years to come. Consider Lisa, who was desperate to be done with her divorce. She made rash financial decisions, just to get the process over with. She kept the family home — a place filled with memories — but didn’t consider whether she could truly afford it. A year later, the reality hit. The mortgage, maintenance and taxes were bleeding her dry. The home that once felt like security now felt like a financial prison. What Lisa needed wasn’t quick relief, but long-term clarity. If she had taken time to evaluate what truly served her future, she might have negotiated for a more sustainable financial settlement instead of an emotional attachment. The lesson? When under stress, pause. Ask yourself: —Will this decision serve me five years from now? —Am I making this choice from clarity or exhaustion? —If I were advising a friend, what would I tell them to do? Who are you after divorce? Divorce isn’t just the end of a marriage; it’s the end of who you were in that marriage. What comes next? This is where many people get stuck. The roles they played — spouse, co-parent, partner — have shifted. There’s an identity vacuum, and it’s easy to fill it with bitterness, regret, or avoidance. But the most fulfilled people use this transition to intentionally rebuild their lives. They explore: —What excites me now that I never had time for before? —What relationships do I want to nurture? —What does fulfillment look like for me—not as a spouse, but as an individual? For some, this means travel, personal development, new hobbies, or even a career pivot. For others, it’s simply learning to enjoy their own company again. One of my clients, Mark, said it best: “I spent 15 years as half of a couple. Now, I get to decide what a whole version of me looks like.” Catalyst for growth Divorce is painful. There’s no sugarcoating it. But pain doesn’t have to define you – what you do with that pain does. Those who come out of divorce stronger, not just scarred, are those who: —Lead themselves through the process instead of being dragged through it. —Make decisions from clarity, not chaos. —Communicate with wisdom, not reactivity. —Invest in their future, not just fight about the past. If you’re navigating divorce, I encourage you to see it as an inflection point, not an ending. This is your opportunity to redefine your life with intention. Because the story of your life is not about how your marriage ended — but about how you chose to begin again. Patti serves as a thought partner to CEOs and their teams to help manage complexity and change. Reach her via email at Patti@PattiCotton.com. ...read more read less