Slip on your hazmat suit and dig in to this week's pile of hot goss. by Elinor Jones Hello sweet angel baby Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It's me, Portland's Best Kept Secret™, Elinor Jones. Remember in Jerr y Maguire when Tom Cruise said Cuba Gooding Jr. was the NFL's best-kept secret, and then Roy Tidwell got a contract for millions of dollars and Regina King was so happy? That's gonna happen for me, I just know it. I will be rich. I will play for the NFL. I will marry Regina King.  Anyway, days aren't exactly getting warmer, but they are getting longer, and the extra sun is making the trash extra ripe this week, so let's take a whiff! National Trash Okay, so you know how Trump and Elon Musk are recklessly cutting federal agencies in the name of cost savings and efficiency? These same idiots are also pursing a project called The Golden Dome, which would create a missile defense shield over the entirety of the United States, and the Department of Defense is instructed to spare no expense in making it a reality. This is modeled after Israel's Iron Dome, but called the Golden Dome, because Donald Trump is nothing if not brand-consistent, his brand being "tacky and '80s." I think this means that if we refer to his administration as "Golden Dogshit" instead of merely "dogshit" we probably won't get disappeared into a Salvadoran gulag. (Not really the point, but if you're curious if a Golden Dome would even be possible: Israel is 8,000 square miles and the United States is 3.5 million square miles.) lol holy shit i'm reading the wiki for Bedtime for Bonzo (1951) starring Ronald Reagan and look how close a chimp came to altering the history of the entire goddamn planet[image or embed] — Rob Pilkington (@robpilk.com) March 12, 2025 at 11:33 PM In other national news, but not politics: The fast fashion chain store Forever 21 has filed for bankruptcy again and will be closing all of its stores. The company said that sites like Shein and Temu stole their business, just like Limited probably accused Forever 21 of stealing their business, and Meier & Frank accused Limited, and so on, going back like that forever until a time when people knew how to make their own clothes. For years I have described my personal style as "aged out of Forever 21 and spiraling," and now it seems the whole country will be aged out of Forever 21. I say this as I am wearing a red and black buffo check flannel I bought there at least 15 years ago which has been washed a million times. But now I'm going to start taking better care of it, because you know that the next generation of cool young trendsetters is going to start thrifting for mint condition Forever 21 clothes, and I want to give my daughter a leg up. She'll be like the kid whose parents kept their original Fleetwood Mac concert t-shirts from the '70s. Taylor's Up Taylor Swift has been taking it easy after what seemed like a decades-long Eras tour, and hadn't posted on social media for months. That is, until this past weekend, when she posted on her stories about how much she loves the new music from Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco. Sharing her love after 3+ months of social media silence carries much more weight now than it would have during a time of more frequent posting, and it's a little bit annoying because Selena is already a billionaire and doesn't really need to get any more gassed up... but Selena and Benny are extremely cute and likable as a couple, and if I was friends with them I would probably also be screaming my support from the rooftops. Shit, I'm not friends with them and I'm screaming my support. In other Taylor Swift news, she and her boyfriend Travis Kelce are looking to buy a place in Kansas City because he's going to play another year of football. I had a hunch that extremely wealthy people would have it easy over there, so I checked out Redfin, and sure enough, the most expensive single family home currently for sale in Kansas City is 11,000 sq. ft. and costs less than five million dollars. Compare that to Portland, where the most expensive single family home on the market right now is 25 million dollars. Should we all just move to one of those middle states? For the average price of a single family home in Portland right now we could buy a whole-ass apartment complex in Kansas City and live like kings.  Speaking of luxury, a Flamin' Hot Cheeto that resembled the Pokemon character Charizard was just sold at auction for $90,000. So I guess that's what Taylor Swift is doing with all the money she's saving by moving to Kansas City.  Couple Updates! That '70s Show and Orange is the New Black star Laura Prepon is getting divorced from actor Ben Foster, which is only noteworthy because it's becoming salacious. While the divorce filing came several months ago, new court documents have them both spilling tea, and both deflecting, Gallagher-audience-style, the tea spilled by the other. First, Foster accused Prepon of "inappropriate marital conduct." Then Prepon accused Foster of inappropriate marital conduct AND ALSO habitual drunkenness. This "I see your inappropriate marital misconduct and habitual drunkenness and raise you one leaving the toilet seat up!" could go on forever. Reading things like this remind me that marriage is for the birds. Little pro-tip from your divorced bestie: you can't be accused of marital misconduct when you're not married! Fine Art Did you know that the romantasy series Fourth Wing is in development for a series? I just learned this! I'm almost finished with the first book in the series—it's long AF—and I'm obsessed. Zac Efron's brother Dylan Efron, fresh off the latest season of Traitors, is also obsessed, and expressed his interest in starring in the series as "anyone but Dain." Okay, my fellow Wingheads will know that's some Dain-level entitlement right there! Also, while Dylan Efron is exceedingly charming and very strong in the face game, at 33 he is simply too old to play a college student. You know that a 33-year-old woman trying to get cast as a 20-year-old would be accused of witchcraft in certain communities.  Local Trash Former Portland resident Courtney Love is working on becoming a citizen of the UK at least partly in response to *gestures broadly at the golden shithole formerly known as America.* Ellen DeGeneres and wife Portia de Rossi recently did the same. I could see the three of them being either best friends or bitter enemies, and if I have to move the England to find out, I am happy to do so. (Please let me. Please.) Okay I'm going to sign off to think about some things. I hope you have had a gorgeous weekend and that this week ahead treats you gently. Unless you're a parent of a public school kid who will be on spring break, in which case: good luck. Parentally, ...read more read less