Is there any religion or philosophy that does not frown upon wishing death and destruction on another human being? If there isn’t, there should be. Of course, it should only be utilized in certain situations, but … yeah. It should be a thing. And I’d like to wish hell to rain down on people wh o treat our roads and highways like — literally — “The Fast and the Furious.” Listen: I’ve written about this topic before, and I’m sure I’ll write about it again, but what happened to me on Sunday … I’m still horrified. I’m on Route 1 South, just past Princeton MarketFair. I’m in the far right lane of the three-lane highway. For those unfamiliar with Route 1 in this area, it’s heavily trafficked, and the next mile is a flurry — practically every 20 feet of exits for shopping and/or jughandles and the like. It’s busy, all the time. So there I am, driving with traffic and … you know the feeling of a ball whizzing right by your ear? That “whoosh” and the realization another inch or two you would’ve been beaned? Yeah, that’s how fast — and how close — the asshat in the BMW came to my car. He was followed by a Mercedes. I don’t know the models of these cars, but they were on the smaller side. Either way, they were racing down Route 1 and switching lanes with reckless abandon. Now understand: That last paragraph does zero justice to what was happening. They were splitting lanes (hence coming close enough for me to lick), using the shoulders (where cars are exiting and entering the road every 20 feet, see above), and if I was moving at probably 60 MPH, they were easily over 120 MPH, probably more. It doesn’t take a highway safety expert to realize these mother- (there are not enough curse words in the English language) -ers were not only putting their lives at risk — and who cares, let ‘em die — but the lives of everyone on the road. I’ve seen this behavior on 295, where it’s obviously dangerous, but at least — at least! — there’s no cars entering and exiting every 20 feet, and there’s a wide grass median on either side. Here, there’s a cement wall splitting the highway and unsuspecting people leaving Marshalls. I was going to call the police, but it all happened so fast and I was so shaken that the idea of fumbling around for my phone to be put on hold to tell a dispatcher that two cars were racing down Route 1 seemed … futile. And you know what? It is futile. I’ve talked to cops. Even if there was a cop there, it’s almost certain nothing would’ve happened. They certainly wouldn’t be engaging them in a chase, and the best case scenario is a “call ahead” and hope they get lucky. I have a better solution: Find these people and kill them. Oops, did I say “kill them?” Sorry. That’s wrong. Morally and ethically bankrupt. Instead, let’s find these people, tie them up, stick them in a slowly boiling pot of water, a la Bugs Bunny, as their skin softens up, start peeling it … What? Too much? You’re right. I say we find them, hit them in the face with a white glove, “tsk-tsk” them, and then … throw them off a cliff. Seriously: There are enough things in this world that can kill me, I don’t need two idiots on Route 1 driving — and I cannot stress this enough — the most reckless I have ever seen someone handle a car. I’m telling you — I didn’t even know you could drive that recklessly. Not even kidding. Worst part is, for real, there’s precious little to be done about it, short of a Big Brother-like program with facial recognition and cameras all over our state’s roads. And you know what? At this point, I’m fine with it. Find these people, catch these people, and then … well, it’s probably better for you to decide what the punishment should be. I’m a little right of Attila the Hun on this issue. UPDATE: Since I wrote this, I saw some moron drive into oncoming traffic on Rt. 206 before eventually, a few minutes later, hitting some kid. And, tragically, a young couple was killed earlier this week in Toms River by an unlicensed driver doing 118 MPH. I am not kidding. I’ve had enough. We all have had enough. We need to start creating laws that have lifelong consequences for people who drive like this. Time to start pestering the politicians. ...read more read less