by Elinor Jones Hello, everyone! Welcome back to the Trash Report, coming in one day late this week because I was off work yesterday for MLK Jr. day and a national day of service/spiraling. It's nice to come to you all on a Tuesday. I feel like on Mondays everybody opens their devices with hopes for a fresh new week whereas by Tuesday we're already a little bit tired and a little beat down, which is the theme of America right now. The vibe is: Oh god, there's still so much left. The only way out is through so I'm just gonna start writing stuff, okay? Bad News Donald Trump was sworn in for his second term yesterday and a bunch of people who spent the better part of the past year insisting that he was the greatest threat ever posed to our nation watched it happen while glad-handing each other. Because of The Norms, you see. We love norms! Normie norm norms. When you see a child crying because his parents have been deported, simply remind him that norms are important. When your daughter cannot access the healthcare that could save her life, you just gotta tell her that she has norms, which are even better than healthcare. This could be a thing we liberals do— instead of sponsoring a child in Africa for 10 cents a day or whatever, we pick out an American family experiencing Trump-induced suffering (shouldn't be hard to find!) and remind them that while their struggle is a bummer, it's a necessary byproduct of our sweet, sweet norms. A make-a-norm foundation. In fact, I am going to change my name to Elinorm Jones, I just love them so much! Some people have been pretty mad about who all sang and danced for Trump during his inaugural parties but I say, okay, now we know for sure who sucks? Who cares? Carrie Underwood's music has always been ass. Kid Rock is an embarrassment to rap metal, which is already embarrassing. I honestly don't think anyone had any idea any of the Village People were still alive until we heard that they got this gig. And the only good thing Billy Ray Cyrus ever did was father Miley Cyrus, thus laying the groundwork for the real American anthem, which is "Party in the USA."  Had she been at the inauguration, we'd have some actual reckoning to do today. Movies! The Oscar nominations are coming out later this week and I am excited! I've been trying to intentionally watch new movies again instead of just clicking around Netflix and rage-watching some random docuseries about murder or animal exploitation. Just this past weekend I watched Anora, which was wonderful despite there being a lot of yelling, as well as Better Man, the Robbie Williams biopic that is otherwise flopping, which is not okay! It's Robbie Williams, but AS A MONKEY. What are people not getting?! I'm concerned it's not going to be up for any major awards and I'm going to have to watch The Brutalist for any of this season's film conversations to make any sense.    In other movie news, I read a delightful rumor that Golden Globe winner Demi Moore is hooking up with Andrew Garfield. I love this!! Remember that the last time she experienced a career renaissance was in the early aughts with Charlie's Angels which came at the same time as her marrying the much-younger Ashton Kutcher, which turned out to be a big ol' airball of a marriage. This is her chance to try that again. A re-renaissance, if you will. Get that lanky younger brown-haired beefcake, but this time instead of one who pranks people on MTV, it's one who cries on Sesame Street.   This Girl is *Not* On Fire The wildfires throughout LA are still happening and I see that there's a fresh batch of major winds coming this week. The fires have damaged a lot of real things which the people of LA will be dealing with for many years. With me having laid that groundwork of being a good person who cares deeply for the people of California, I'm going to pivot: The fires also made it so Beyoncé delayed a widely-anticipated announcement. And what could it have been?! Some think new music, some think new visuals, but I'm banking on a new tour. I've never seen Beyoncé live, which is extremely embarrassing to type out. I predict that the fires will come for all of us eventually; I'd like to have seen her perform Ya Ya in person before I return to dust.  These Girls Were Near the Fire From the ashes of the fires, there have emerged two phoenixes of note: 1) Hills alum Heidi Montag. The home she shared with husband Spencer Pratt and their children was completely destroyed in the fires, and Pratt pleaded with the public to stream Montag's 15-year-old album Superficial to help them out financially, which the public has been doing, including me, and it's great. HOWEVER, because Pratt and Montag have reality star villainy running through their veins, this quickly evolved into a feud with Call Her Daddy host Alex Cooper, who declined to hop on the bandwagon to boost Montag's music, and somehow Bethenny Frankel is involved?! It's a perfect return to form.  2) Remember the Grey's Anatomy writer who faked having cancer and had a multi-year grift where she got a bunch of attention and money for a litany of fake traumas? Well, she's back! Elisabeth Finch set up a GoFundMe allegedly to help people who evacuated get pet food but she also encouraged people to send money directly to her via Venmo to "avoid GoFundMe fees." Uh huh, yeah right! Scammers gonna scam and if you're dumb enough to select her to donate to out of the hundreds of mutual aid fundraisers going, well, then wait till she tells you about her beach house in Idaho she can sell you. Local *Not* Trash I usually like to mention something silly or dumb that has happened locally so all of you remember that I am a real life human who lives among you in Portland, but instead I'm going to mention a couple of WONDERFUL things that are going on. Nurses at Providence hospitals are well into the second week of their strike and Senator Ron Wyden stopped by their picket line over the weekend to show his support. I like when Portland unions strike because solidarity forever, but ALSO because I am an extremely Portland driver and the only occasions when I use my horn are 1) when a red light has turned green and the driver in front of me hasn't noticed and it's been a LONG time, like so long that I probably won't even make the green, and 2) when there are striking workers outside. The picket line honks are the best because it's when I can really let my horn off her leash. "I love workers' riiiiiiiiiiights!" she toots honkily.  Aren't we so lucky that we can support workers fighting good fights locally, and that other people in our community are doing all sorts of great things to show up for each other? We'll have a lot of this to do in the coming years, and I'll be right here, describing all of it back to you. Now off you pop, go do something nice for someone (and yes, that someone can be you, and yes that nice thing can be going to see the Robbie Williams monkey movie Better Man and then talking to me about it.) XOXO,