DEAR FAM & LOOSELY ASSOCIATED FELONS — Drat I know I’m later than an Antelope Valley junior college teen bride sans moral compass with our annual newsletter/Christmas card, but, alas, I’ve been in the pokey. Terrible misunderstanding. But? I learned the hard way — you can’t use food stamps for bail. I’ve been incarcerated for yet another case of dang mistaken identity involving an overweight sister.  As you know, because of my saintly parents’ experimentations with drugs during the ’60s, I’m 25% of a quadruplet set of identical sisters. Well. Three of us are regular girls and brother Robbie, who just transitioned two years ago and is now going by Geronimo-Marie. Guess Rob wanted it both ways. Lord forgive me, but GM makes for one ugly woman. Ditto with Sibling No. 2, Titanoboa. I asked mom once why she named sis after a horrific man-eating South American giant snake and mom shrugged it off to bad LSD during pregnancy. As you know, T-Bow has won Miss Palmzilla the past eight years, Palmdale’s pageant honoring the morbidly obese. Bow’s like 19 times my size but apparently math and reason holds no weight with the Antelope Valley Highway Patrol.  I don’t particularly care for the way this country’s tilting, no sir. The state cops put up 14,006 illegal aliens at the posh Motel 6 off Avenue 54,064. But me? A natural-born, non-housecat-eating American? I’m busting rocks at the Mojave Women’s Prison since Xmas Eve. Got the blisters to prove it and I’m a great-great-great grandmother at 31 with a bad back.  Enough about me and my Old Testament legal challenges. Merle Boyd’s brood had a nice holiday possum. Merle confesses they couldn’t afford turkey and blames it on, “… them damn Democrats and their satanic inflation!!” I say Merle should consider next year shooting five or six MORE possums as they are plentiful plus think twice before flirting with his wife Conch and creating their own, personal population explosion with bad teeth and attraction to kleptomania.  The cousins, Rochelle and New Rochelle? They’re co-writing a children’s book, “How to Serve Kids.” It’s a cookbook.   Pregnancy is going around like COVID in our fam and Tepsy is, again, heavy with child. She let some hiker from equatorial climes sweet-talk her with bountiful government gifts of free, well — everything. Teps ended up quitting her high-paying job because with all of Guillermo’s illegal alien subsidies, they’re making low six figures and her Starbuck’s gig kicks them up into the next tax bracket.  Bo is still bed-ridden, recovering from knee transplant surgery. Unfortunately, a nurse installed the joints in backwards and Bo blames the misalignment to his not being able to get ahead in life now.  Billy Ray? Daneen’s handsome boy? BR’s still suffering from delusions of grandeur and swears he’s engaged to Taylor Swift. I’m not a police forensics expert, but his wedding pictures seemed to be a childish amalgamation of poorly glued-together magazine photos of Taylor and Bill-Ray’s Palmdale High yearbook JV football pix.   Nutria’s getting sued. By Oprah. Nutria was an unpaid campaign volunteer for Ms. Kamala Harris’ recent Drunk On TV/Failed Presidential Attempt. Oprah said she’s due more money for appearing on stage with Kamala while not making gagging faces whilst they faux-hugged. According to my DOJ sources, not only is Nutria NOT getting paid, but Oprah’s jackal attorneys say she owes Miss Oprah $443,000.  Aunt Jane Doe’s mobile home burned down for the sixth time, right before Thanksgiving. The fact that Jane’s on security cam stuffing tumbleweeds under her trailer and lighting them up with a blow torch to get the insurance money doesn’t help her cause. Jane’s homeless as a coyote to start 2025 and so’s her son, Abe, who was severely beaten during a credit card fraud attempt at our favorite family dining spot, the “Don’t Touch My Stool” biker bar in Quartz Hill. Idiot. And I hope the sickly little albino Abe is reading this. Abe used the name, “Al Kayduh” on his fake Visa. The bartender yelled, “Hey everyone! This guy’s named after our country’s mortal enemies!!” Both Abe and his terrorist pen name got their butts kicked until their noses bled.  Bad luck streak for Betty Lou, the wall-eyed one. Betty Lou was recently hired at Palmdale Staples, Walgreen’s, TJ Maxx, Rite Aid and our beloved 99-Cent Store only to be fired after said retail outlets filed Chapter 11. On the bright side, she was presented with a large bunch of brownish bananas by the 99-Cent people as a Christmas bonus, which, as you can guess, will be well-received by her full-grown and vicious chimpanzee pet the HOA says she’s not supposed to have in her condo.   Vern-Darryl LaRue? He lost a foot. Second one this year. Not diabetes. Shot them both off. Vern’s a Glass Half Full guy and believes he can now become his own, personal crime wave because, if caught, he won’t have to wear an ankle bracelet.  Not a stretch, but another outlaw relation, Cousin Kenrow, pleaded ignorance that California lifted their enlightened, “Shoplift $900 Or Less & Get Away With It” crime-fighting policy  Hurt his back trying to hoist an on-sale freezer ($889) out the front door of Lowe’s. How the pendulum’s swung. Kenny’s facing 14 consecutive life sentences. Seeing Joe Biden’s handing out paroles like Halloween candy, Kenrow penned a hand-written pardon request to our outgoing and disgraced president.   Uncle Virgil? Opened a new VHS movie and eight-track rental store in Pearblossom. Virg’s optimistic, despite his own evaluation of holiday sales being, “… sub-brisk.” Find a need and fill it. Or not.  Oh dear me, sigh. Despite a dearth of amputations, the capricious and shifting criminal tolerance winds, trailer arson and accepting the leggy Taylor Swift to our ever-growing Palmdale family, I pray that 2025 will be the year where this particular batch of Palmdale doggies finally gets their day …  With more than 100 major writing awards, Santa Clarita’s John Boston is Earth’s most prolific satirist and humorist. He’s also operator of the online store, book shop & website, johnlovesamerica.com. The post John Boston | The Annual 2024 (‘ish’) Palmdale Christmas Letter appeared first on Santa Clarita Valley Signal.