This week’s rating, out of 10 anchor emojis: ⚓⚓⚓ 😔 by Megan Burbank The Bachelor franchise tells us a story about love, one that almost never delivers on its promise. But that’s never stopped Jesse Palmer from grinning in his ill-fitting suit and promising that this really is the most dramatic season ever at the outset of every season’s first and final episodes.  Good for him that he restrained himself this time, though, because the finale of The Golden Bachelorette is among the most airless, predictable 90-minute conclusions I’ve ever seen in the history of this franchise. I love mess! There is none here. It’s our final week together, two men remain, and Joan sits alone pensively, stoic and stony-faced, on her cruise ship next to a bird of paradise. She’s worried she’s unlovable because she was rejected by Pascal. “My go-to is be strong and not be emotional,” she says, and I am wondering once again if it was wise to cast her on a show where shameless scenery-chompers thrive and people with ordinary reserve tend to look stiff and pained. You’re not unlovable, Joan!!!! ABC PRESS Luckily Nancy, our plucky Nora Ephron heroine, is here to help! “It’s okay,” says Nancy. “Cry. Cry.” But Joan doesn’t want to cry! “You know you’re not unlovable,” says Nancy. “You’re not unlovable, Joan.” Before his studio audience, Jesse calls this “a raw and honest moment between friends” and says a little too cheerfully that “we just saw Joan at what was probably her lowest point so far.” Will she get her confidence back? he wonders. Will the Star Breeze by Windstar Cruises go to Bora Bora? Yes and yes! “It’s paradise,” says Joan. She looks out at the water, grimacing. She says she sees futures with both Guy and Chock. I don’t think this is true, but sure! Joan’s kids have joined her in Bora Bora to meet their potential new stepdads, and Joan talks to her kids about John’s memory, and her inner conflict over falling in love with someone who isn’t their father. Chock is here! He’s nervous today! If the kids don’t like him, says Chock, it could “jeopardize everything I’ve done.” Chock kisses Joan in front of her children. They don’t seem happy about this. Joan’s son Nick looks especially skeptical. His hair, unfortunately, reminds me of Matt Gaetz, and I’m sorry that that means we have to bring him into this. The vibes remind me of the Eraserhead parody on Gilmore Girls: “I love your daughter!” “What do you have to offer her?” (This is the snippet Brian Jordan Alvarez, a genius, turned into that one TikTok dance, by the way.) “I do love your mom,” says Chock. “It’s nice to see you finally do something for yourself,” says Joan’s daughter.  Chock, Joan, and Joan's not-skeptical-enough children. ABC PRESS Joan’s children are proud of her! Everybody hugs. There is no tension or drama to speak of, just kind of nice people being sort of pleasant to each other. It makes me miss all the judgmental relatives who have been on this show before, like Pilot Pete’s crying mom (have some boundaries, Barb!) and all the parents justifiably concerned their children are making a terrible mistake. Time for some ads from Nutrafol, our e-commerce overlords, a Christmas movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the Charmin bears (I HATE THE CHARMIN BEARS) and, for some reason, a live broadcast of childbirth on Good Morning America! Welcome to hell! Back in the studio, Jesse says, with a straight face, that Joan has “an impossible decision” to make, even though we all know it’s going to be Chock. Chock says he hopes he did a good job with Joan’s family, even though we all know it’s going to be Chock. Joan says he did. Chock gives Joan a heart-shaped key. He wants to buy her an apartment in New York City, so if it wasn’t before, it’s definitely going to be Chock now. Chock tells Joan he loves her. Joan doesn’t say it back to him, which is actually normal and responsible since she’s the lead and isn’t supposed to go around telling everyone she loves them. But Chock says “that’s always gonna be a concern” that Joan didn’t reciprocate, even though it won’t be, because it’s going to be Chock. Get it together, Chock! Hey, did you remember Guy is still here? I did and I feel bad for him because he’s about to get eliminated. He’s so excited to meet Joan’s family. “I will even go so far as to say I have fallen in love,” he says. But oh no! Joan has not. She knows it’s not Guy, and Hakeem, a contestant who was tortured with a tarantula on the most recent season of The Bachelorette, takes this information in as he sits in the audience with a look of pure shock and horror on his face. “My heart belongs to somebody else,” says Joan, as Guy squeezes his eyes shut and starts to cry. “This is not what I was expecting at all,” he says. “I love you, but I love you in a different way,” says Joan. Guy says he had planned to tell Joan’s kids he was going to propose. He was ready! He gazes blankly, pained, as Joan walks away and raindrops start to fall like he’s a girl who wears glasses in a Taylor Swift music video, saturating his powder-blue button-down shirt. “I thought it was Joan,” he says. “I really thought it was gonna happen.” Jump scare! Back in the studio, Guy is here! He’s backstage in a blue suit! I love that Guy has a signature color! As Jesse welcomes him onstage, he says he felt “true love” again with Joan. Speaking of Joan, she’s here, too, in a dress that looks like half-chain-mail and half-tablecloth. Confusing but bold! “I never thought I could have strong feelings for more than one person… but I was getting there with you,” she says, because I am right that the premise of this show is to force people into polyamory who would never make that choice for themselves under any other circumstances. Joan hopes someday she and Guy will be friends. Joan’s journey has been “unlike anything we’ve seen before,” says Jesse, and that’s right! It’s been much more boring! “Is Chock the next great love of Joan’s life?” asks Jesse, and I don’t want to jinx it, Jesse, but something tells me the answer is yes. Back on the Star Breeze by Windstar Cruises, Joan pretends to put makeup on over her full face of glam, and says in a voice-over that she’s ready to take a leap of faith! The violins of triumphant romance play in the background as we see Chock getting ready for the proposal in a bright blue suit and a regrettable tie, his hair voluminous and swoopy. Chock has nice hair! Joan and Chock ride separate boats to a sandy beach where they’ll meet at the altar of the final rose. Joan says Chock “makes me see a future again.” Chock holds the box containing Joan’s engagement ring over the railing of the boat, which seems unwise, but it’s just Neil Lane product placement, so I’m not that concerned. They have plenty of ugly rings where that came from! On the beach, Chock meets Jesse and tells him, “It just keeps getting better and better.” They have a man hug, and Chock says he’s nervous because Joan hasn’t said she loves him even though that’s normal for the lead, and this must be the show’s last unsuccessful attempt to add any drama at all to this limp, repetitive season. Who knew the highlight would be Captain Kim’s “Mansion Men” song? Not I! Reunited with Joan, Chock says he has “an array of emotions,” and they’ve had “a magical journey.” He loves Joan and wants her in his life, surprising no one. Joan says she saw a future with him on their first date in Disneyland, which kind of says everything you need to know about these two and their sugar-free vanilla love story. “We are living proof that no matter what life throws at you, there is still hope even at our age,” says Joan. She wants to marry Chock! Chock wants to marry Joan! Chock accepts the final rose! It’s gold! I’m sorry to say that “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” from Cinderella plays as Chock and Joan kiss on a boat. Back in the studio, they talk about cooking and doing crosswords together, before Jesse reminds us that he was once in the NFL and will be calling a college football playoff game. And I’m bored, because no one asked for that crossover content, but good for Joan and Chock, whose new haircut looks great! I wouldn’t want to hang out with either of these two and I don’t really want to know who they voted for in last week’s election, but we all deserve love, even if it makes for anticlimactic TV. Don’t worry, though, because the next Bachelor, Grant, is in the audience, looking dapper, and if Joan’s journey didn’t quite deliver on the show’s promise of romance, maybe his will. Aren’t you curious to find out? The Bachelor franchise tells us a story about love that becomes addictive even in its failure, because, like real love, we think maybe next time, it’ll finally work out. Captain Kim sightings: 0 😔 This week’s rating, out of 10 anchor emojis: ⚓⚓⚓ 😔