by Wm. Steven Humphrey If you’re reading this, you probably know the value of the Mercury’s news reporting, arts and culture coverage, event calendar, and the bevy of events we host throughout the year. The work we do helps our city shine, but we can’t do it without your support. If you believe Portland benefits from smart, local journalism and arts coverage, please consider making a small monthly contribution, because without you, there is no us. Thanks for your support! GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! 👋 If you've been missing the sun... well, you won't be missing it as much for the next three days as the glowing orb will be making occasional appearances (along with showers) with highs in the mid-to-low 50s. And speaking of appearances, get ready to get both holly AND jolly, because the Mercury's annual HOLIDAY GUIDE is live online and in print in more than 500 spots around the city! It's jam-packed with advice, events, gifts, and general holiday frivolity! MISS IT AT YOUR HOLIDAY PERIL. And now, let's look at some only occasionally frivolous NEWS. IN LOCAL NEWS: • Some people say I'm a bitch. And I'm not going to argue! But the good news is... I'M A BITCH. Here's a great example of what I do best; a bitchy little rant about the latest bullshit headline from the Oregonian, which went waaaaay over the line by proclaiming "Portland’s ranked-choice debut causes voter engagement to crater." Of course, ranked choice voting did nothing of the sort, and this was just another example of the O catering to the whims of their conservative bedfellows. And while it pisses me off... I gotta admit... this bitch had fun writing it (and not-so-mysteriously the O's article has disappeared from the main page of their website 💅). Check out my bitchy little rant for yourself! The Oregonian makes the extremely dubious claim that Ranked Choice Voting "cratered" voter engagement. 🧐 Ummmm... the Mercury's Wm. Steven Humphrey would like to have a word.[image or embed] — Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.bsky.social) November 13, 2024 at 9:53 AM • Here's your morning bullshit: The lame duck Portland City Council voted yesterday to not only continue the downtown Clean and Safe program for another 10 years, they expanded it and bumped up the budget from $7 million to $10 million. While Clean and Safe does keep the downtown corridor tidy, it also increases policing, engages in homeless sweeps, and (here's where it gets particularly bullshitty) pumps millions into the pockets of the Portland Metro Council (FKA Portland Business Alliance) who uses the money to line the wallets of their executives while also lobbying for conservative, pro-business policies at City Hall. Is that where you want YOUR taxpayer money to go? Welp, Commissioners Gonzalez, Mapps, and Ryan never gave a crap about your concerns in the first place, so why should they now? Get all the background here from our Courtney Vaughn.  • Tough (but hilarious) news for the residents of Lake Oswego: A judge has ruled that the fancy-pants suburb cannot block non-residents from using their namesake lake. The city previously forbade any general public access to the lake, allowing only their primarily wealthy residents to swim, fish, and boat there, but Circuit Court Judge Kathie Steele ruled that times have changed and while the city is allowed to put some restrictions in place, “banning the public outright is unreasonable.” 🎉 • Sortis Holdings, the corporation that snapped up several beloved Portland companies during the pandemic (such as Sizzle Pie, Bamboo Sushi, and Rudy's Barbershop), has been struggling mightily and is reported to owe a whopping $8.3 million to creditors, who want to force Sortis into bankruptcy and liquidate its many businesses. For their part, Sortis says they intend to fight back against the creditors' threat, but must respond to the complaint within 21 days. A new report from the Portland Auditor's Office highlights the daylight between PBOT’s stated Vision Zero goals and the increase in recent traffic crash deaths. PBOT leaders said they agree with the recommendations. They also said they need more support to address the crisis.[image or embed] — Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.bsky.social) November 13, 2024 at 8:28 AM • If you're anything like me, you looooooove looking at cosplay pictures! And if so, you're gonna love Corbin Smith's newest piece for the Mercury in which he attended last weekend's Kumoricon, met and interviewed some participants, and filed some absolutely gorgeous pics. (Please let me borrow that Pumpkin Gal costume!!) IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS: • In absolutely HILARIOUS news, the long-running satirical outlet The Onion has purchased the bankrupt Infowars site (previously owned by lying shit-bag Alex Jones) and intend to turn it into A PARODY OF ITSELF. (Goddamn... that's brilliant.) The sale will help fund the $1.5 billion debt to families of Sandy Hook victims who successfully sued Jones twice after he repeatedly lied and defamed the families who he said faked the school shooting that resulted in the deaths of 20 children and six educators. I would like to reiterate: We own everything. The broadcasting equipment, the supplements, the intellectual property for Brain Force Plus. We are still trying to figure out what to do with it. — Tim Onion (@bencollins.bsky.social) November 14, 2024 at 7:56 AM • Meanwhile, in absolutely STUPID news: Trump is filling his cabinet with immoral, blithering imbeciles—most recently nominating Pete Hegseth (from Fox News) to be his defense secretary, failed presidential candidate Tulsi Gabbard as director of national intelligence, and (steel yourself) alleged teen fucker Matt Gaetz as the attorney general who will lead the Justice Department. WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW! I could go on and on about how horrible these choices are (many Republicans agree), and how hilarious it will be when they all crash and burn, but Michael Waldman, the president of the Brennan Center for Justice, summed it up best: “These [choices] are so appalling they’re a form of performance art.” Donald Trump’s selection of Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) to be the country's next attorney general prompted his resignation from Congress, but according to reports, the possible release of a House Ethics Committee investigative report may have also played a role in his stepping down.[image or embed] — Raw Story (@rawstory.com) November 13, 2024 at 5:53 PM • As we feared, the Republicans have won control of the House, giving Trump a unified Congress which will help him pass much of his terrible agenda—the question will be "how much exactly?" While some of the more heinous legislation will probably be shot down (by Republicans who live in left-leaning areas and want to keep their jobs), and a good portion of Trump's hopes and dreams will be dashed thanks to the ceaseless idiocy of his clumsy cabinet of imbeciles, we're in for a bumpy ride. The good news? It's gonna be fun to torture and obstruct them every step of the way. Can he do that??[image or embed] — Benny Feldman  (@feldfrog.bsky.social) November 14, 2024 at 8:17 AM • I don't 100 percent agree... but I'm not going to argue, either: "John Krasinski named People magazine’s 2024 Sexiest Man Alive." • And finally... Happy Spice Girls Thursday (to those who celebrate... and I celebrate it every day)! @spearsspice This is so cool. Y'all ate that!! @meeshi.sk8s #SpiceGirls #GirlPower #EmmaBunton #VictoriaBeckham #GeriHalliwell #MelanieC #MelB #BabySpice #PoshSpice #GingerSpice #SportySpice #ScarySpice #IamASpiceGirl #Spice25 #SpiceWorld25 #Spice #SpiceWorld #SpiceUpYourLife #ForeverSpice #SpiceGirlsForever #iconic #y2k ♬ original sound - Spears Spice