Follow us down memory lane for the best and worst trash of 2024! by Elinor Jones Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024—a year that I could best describe as “a year that happened.” January 8  I hate to break it to us, but despite anyone’s resolutions, this is probably not going to be a year when anybody becomes better. You know how in professional sports, when a bunch of the big names have retired or left and then it’s just rookies and no-names, they call it a “Rebuilding Year”? 2024 will be the opposite of that for us. A destroying year. All of us are going to get worse, it’s just a matter of how quickly, and how much.  February 12 I am all about the monoculture and I love to love things, but I am so tired of football and Taylor Swift! No more brain space; I simply cannot. I mean look: Am I glad she made it to the game in time after her Tokyo shows? Yes. Do I think this was a challenge or hardship for her when she has her own airplane and team of professionals to ensure it happens comfortably and efficiently? No. Am I impressed that her lipstick always looks so damn good? Yes. Did I like her pants? No, I hated them. Do I think it’s hilarious that Republicans hate Taylor Swift so much that they’d rather root for the team out of San Francisco than the corn-fed midwestern one? Yes, a thousand times yes, this is incredible, put it in my veins. Will I listen to her new album? OBVIOUSLY. But that’s it! No more thoughts!! April 1  The world has gone country, and by that I mean we have all been listening to Beyoncé’s latest album Cowboy Carter all weekend. I’m a fan! Several years ago I found a pair of those magical thrift store cowboy boots that somehow both fit perfectly and are extremely cool, and I always knew there was a reason to hang on to them. I’m excited to plan an outfit to wear to her next concert that probably won’t come anywhere near Portland anyway. A girl can dream. That’s country.  April 15  [Regarding a possible Monopoly movie.] “What’s next, Checkers? Jenga? You wanna make a Jenga movie? What, fuckin’ CONNECT FOUR?” And I will stop you right there, because that one works. Four is the correct number for a collection of people. It’s the best table in a restaurant—no pulling up an extra chair for some poor schmuck to sit at one end. Four is the maximum number of heads that will fit into a photobooth picture. Four is how many adults fit comfortably in a car. So let’s talk about this Connect Four movie: I am seeing three friends realize that something is missing and they desperately seek a fourth, but they keep being blocked by outside forces, until finally, one day, through either meticulous planning or pure dumb luck, the pieces line up just so, and they find their fourth friend, thus creating a powerful block which shall emerge victorious! “But Elinor,” you say. “Is this not the plot of the 1990s supernatural teen thriller THE CRAFT?” To which I say: “DING FUCKING DING.” A Connect Four movie already exists, it stars Fairuza Balk and Neve Campbell, and it’s perfect! May 13  First Lady Jill Biden stopped in Portland last week to attend a quick fundraiser in Lake Oswego. Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler was there, and later told the press “it’s nice to see the First Lady supporting our city and taking an interest in what we do here.” Buddy! She wasn’t even in our city! Was there nowhere decent in Portland proper for her to glad-hand wealthy Democrats? You know, I almost think she was trying to keep away from the riffraff by going to Lake Oswego, and that is especially not “what we do here.” In Portland, riffraff is the name of the game! May 20  Rudy Giuliani somehow (and for days) evaded Arizona officials trying to serve him an indictment for his (alleged) 2020 election crimes. I could use a lot of words to describe Rudy Giuliani, but “indiscreet” and “stealthy” are definitely not among them. I feel like one could locate Rudy Giuliani using whatever magic makes a cartoon mouse float towards cheese, but the wafting odor is a mix of cigars, cologne, and farts. Alas, the man was found, and at his own 80th birthday party. Giuliani even shared an absolutely psychotic Amazon wish list of the stuff he wanted, which included “stain blocking ceiling paint.” That Giuliani worries about his ceiling getting dirty really captures the explosive gooeyness of this chapter in his life. June 10 Sabrina Carpenter released a fun and steamy video for her new single “Please Please Please” which features boyfriend Barry Keoghan. These two are giving the sultry slutty young relaysh vibes they were trying to sell us with Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney last year. I could never fully get behind those two because they look like they were generated by an AI prompt of “hot white heteros.” Barry and Sabrina are hot too, but also interesting, sexy, a little dangerous, and maybe kinda mean? Like Glen and Sydney would break your heart by ghosting you, but they’d never tell anyone else your secrets, whereas Barry and Sabrina would get a tattoo of your name and then try to run over you with their car. June 17  The AtmosFEAR ride at Oak’s Park got stuck upside down last week, leaving some 30 people stuck upside down for 25 minutes. Roller coaster-avoiders like me will get YEARS of excuses out of this. It’s not that we’re scared; it’s that we’re smart. (We’re also very scared.) July 8  Gwyneth Paltrow held a party at her home in the Hamptons and somebody got diarrhea. I’m sorry, not just diarrhea—"catastrophic” diarrhea, which is a pretty horrifying combination of words! The diarrhea was allegedly caused by Ozempic, which all the stars are taking, so think about this the next time you see a star-studded red carpet: know that the bathrooms at that event are a grade-A paint show, and you’re lucky you’re not there. July 15 Iconic sex therapist Dr. Ruth passed away last week at the age of 96. There was not a major event she couldn’t make into a reason to get laid, and it’s really a shame she died before this attempted assassination of Donald Trump; she would have made it so horny.  August 5 I am loving the Olympics! God, the amount of pride I feel for the US Olympics Team is overwhelming; borderline ew, like am I becoming a flag girlie? Seeing tacky bedazzled Republicans at the RNC a couple weeks ago made me want to hurl, but throw some gemstones on a leotard and I am in line. I’ve been especially tickled by the vibes of the shooting competitors despite hating guns with every fiber of my being. The gun lobby might be appealing to the wrong instincts in trying to garner support. I mean, has the NRA ever considered simply serving cunt?  August 26 Republican Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance is trying to prove he’s not weird and failing spectacularly. He recently stopped by a donut shop where the workers didn’t want to be on camera and ordered “whatever makes sense,” for which he has been mercilessly mocked. And look, I get it: When JD Vance orders “whatever makes sense” it sounds like a robot prepping for his first day of human school. That said, I do think this makes sense! I like the idea of ordering “~items~.” Put “whatever makes sense” on the late-night menu at a bar and I guarantee you it will go gangbusters. Sometimes you’ll get a vat of french fries and a pitcher of beer. Other times you’ll get a Sprite and two ibuprofen. Credit where credit is due—this couch-fucker might be on to something!  September 16 Actor James Earl Jones passed away last week at the age of 93. He was the last good Jones. Now it’s just me. And my Mufasa voice is shit. October 14 The widow of Bobby Kennedy and mother of presidential candidate RFK Jr., Ethel Kennedy, passed away last week at the age of 96. I think if the son of a deceased person repeatedly requests that the casket not be locked and sealed, you gotta wonder what he’s got planned for that corpse. What wonders will these final days of 2024 have in store for us? I have absolutely no idea, but you can guarantee that I’ll be around to make a silly joke about it (hopefully!) I hope your -ber months are safe, warm, and cute. Santa-ly,