Captain Kim sightings: Numerous! by Megan Burbank With the dawn of the theocracy looming, I’ve been in desperate need of brain-smoothing distraction this week, and I am pleased to report that, unlike the several hours I spent watching MSNBC and drinking three proseccos Tuesday night (for me this is a lot!), I had a very enjoyable time watching this very special Men Tell All episode of The Golden Bachelorette, in which the men are invited back to compliment each other and cry onstage before a live audience as Joan’s journey continues. It’s very nice when the stakes of the show you’re watching are “Will this nice but boring lady with bright hair extensions find love?” and not “Will we still have human rights tomorrow?” Can you believe that reality TV ruined American politics and, after all that, we’re still begging for it to ruin our minds? I can, because the most wholesome thing to happen to me in the last 48 hours was listening to Charles L. express his delight as he entered the studio where Men Tell All was about to be filmed. “So nice!” he says in his usual tone of vaguely surprised cheer. “Gorgeous!” Punctuated by ads for the RSV vaccine, Tylenol Arthritis Pain, and a network drama that’s just about emergencies, the Mansion Men are finally back in each others’ arms, this time before a Bachelor Nation audience and a grinning Jesse Palmer, who wears a suit that does not seem well tailored for a man of his upper body strength. The menswear guy on Twitter would not approve, and I don’t either! How much has Charles missed these men? asks Jesse. “Every minute!” says Charles. I love Charles! It’s time for a look back at the season so far, and all the antics Joan’s suitors got up to. Pascal chuckles at footage of himself. Kim grins as he sees himself fall down playing kickball. The men love each other! They are best friends! The men were fed burgers for some reason. ABC PRESS “I am such a better man than I was because of them,” says Gary, looking dapper in his signature glasses. It’s the first of many comments about how being on The Golden Bachelorette has made someone a better person, father, etc. It’s not clear how going on awkward group dates with Joan has made any of these guys “a better father,” but I’m just going to let them stand in their truth. During a little chat about the Snoring of Gregg, Gregg says that Pascal’s complaining has actually impacted him for the better: “I’m now inspired to take care of my sleep apnea!” he says. Cheers and applause! We love men taking care of extremely basic health problems only after being publicly shamed about them on television! Hear, hear! But that’s not the only health report! Our valiant naval officer from Mountlake Terrace, Kim, reveals that he separated his shoulder playing sports on The Golden Bachelorette. Jonathan is mocked ruthlessly for being too good at stripping on the Chippendales date. Hey, did you know that Pascal’s salon is called Pascal Pour Elle? I looked it up! Also, it’s not in Chicago. It’s in Glencoe. We’ve been deceived! Michael discloses the semi-horrifying information that he was diagnosed with cancer right before filming and chose to go on the show anyway! He is applauded for this choice, but if he were my father, I would tell him to start his treatments promptly instead of going on reality TV. Michael! I am glad you’re doing better and also, please make better choices! Looking back on his time on the show, Gary praises the friendships he made along the way—the only true love stories this franchise can consistently deliver, despite its promise of idealized heterosexual romance. That’s not what Gary’s here for! “The bromance here was just absolutely unbelievable,” says Gary. Hell yeah! Now it’s time to hear from blushing girl dad Keith—oh, sorry, I mean Caterer Jack. I’m struggling to tell these jolly older white men apart. I goofed! It’s definitely Jack! Jack is wearing a cartoony salmon-colored suit, which makes him look like he owns a casino, says the friend I have roped into watching with me, and I agree. For some reason, everyone in the studio eats a burger and there is on-camera chewing, which I hate and never want to see again. Now we’re getting a glimpse back at Jonathan’s journey, and I’m pleased and amazed to report that Jonathan is not only wearing a fully buttoned shirt, he’s wearing a cravat! That’s right, the man who never saw three top buttons he didn’t want to just ignore is dressing like a little aristocrat, and I don’t mind at all! Mark wrote out affirmations for Jonathan when he got eliminated, says Jonathan, and they both cry when Jonathan describes how it made him feel to be seen and loved by a new friend. I am worried men don’t have very many opportunities to make friends! Is this why they think Joe Rogan and Elon Musk are their friends? I wish they’d work it out like Mark and Jonathan and leave the rest of us alone! “I just started bawling,” says Jonathan. “It meant so much to me.” It feels good to share! Charles L. loves to dance in public now. ABC PRESS Now it’s time for a look back at Charles L.’s time on the show. As we cycle through footage of Charles L. hugging the men and Joan, it becomes clear he loves to give a hearty backpat in every embrace, kind of like how you’d pat your dad on the back when you hug him, or how he pats you on the back when he hugs you, assuming he’s not been lost to Fox News. If that’s you, RIP. I have a Tax the Rich dad, and I am sure he would enjoy talking to you about our state’s regressive tax policies! Speaking of nice dads, Charles L. thanks his daughter for encouraging him, but wait a minute! It looks like Charles L. has dyed his signature salt-and-pepper locks for Men Tell All, and while I miss the gravitas of his previous look, we can and should forgive him. After all, it’s not unusual for contestants on this show to attend the reunions with much more intense facial updates, and it’s refreshing to see a man on TV who can at least move his forehead. Foreheads are so expressive! Something is truly lost when it’s just a smooth plane of skin, sweaty and still. In addition to his transformative hair journey, Charles L. says he’s changed in ways that are less visually jarring. He’s found friends, he says! He loves to dance in public now! Feel the rain on your skin, Charles! No one else can feel it for you! “This is such a kind of treasure to me,” says Charles of his friendships with the men on The Golden Bachelorette. “He just exudes this newfound confidence,” says Charles’s daughter Sophia. “My body is lighter than before,” says Charles in agreement. An audience member says Bachelor Nation thinks Charles should be the next Golden Bachelor, and I am pretty sure it will be Mark or Jonathan, but Charles looks very pleased nonetheless.  Looking much like a roided-out John Krasinski, Jesse continues the festivities with a look back at Kim’s time in the mansion. It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! PNW representation at last! Footage rolls of Kim fixing the dishwasher (helpful!) and then trying to get everyone to participate in his “Mansion Men” song (creative yet overbearing!). Kim laughs as he watches his past self compare himself to Beethoven. I kind of can’t believe he did that either. Captain Kim's "Mansion Men" song getting the respect it deserves. ABC PRESS But there’s a surprise in store! This is not the end of Kim’s songcraft! Because the Los Angeles Gay Men’s Chorus enters the studio, and they’re going to sing Kim’s song! That’s right: “Mansion Men” is getting a respectful, tuneful rendition, and Kim’s face lights up with joy. Now that it’s being legitimized by people who actually know how to sing, suddenly everyone is getting into Kim’s song, but no one more than Kim himself, who sings along gleefully. Aw, I’m happy for him! With the performance concluded, Pascal is now forced to discuss his emotional journey to breaking up with Joan, which was where we ended last week’s episode. “It’s very emotional,” he says. “It was a very difficult decision I had to make,” one he hopes “didn’t hurt her.” Pascal’s beloved shildren, Maxim and Natalie, are in the audience. Maxim looks just like a very small Pascal. And now it’s time for the grand entrance! Joan is here! Gary tells her it was “a true honor” to be on the show, and he greets Joan’s mother, who is in the audience and recovered from the illness that inspired Gary to write her a prayer. The one who looks like Jay Inslee (his name is Bob; I’m sorry) talks about the Wayward Lesbians of Marina Del Rey, which is just his cute name for having Thanksgiving with his gay daughter and her many lesbian friends. Joan says something self-congratulatory about the moment when Bob told her about his many adopted lesbian daughters, but she shouldn’t because it was really all his doing. Once again, Bob, may I join this Thanksgiving celebration? Jonathan has some big news to share: He has “met someone” and is “happy.” Good for Jonathan! Jonathan has found a family! (Is it too early post-election to be making Cider House Rules jokes? Don’t tell me!) As for Pascal, he tells Joan he just wants what’s best for her and would like for her to be his frond. Joan says she would like to be fronds with all of the remaining Mansion Men, which is nice, because she definitely didn’t seem interested in dating very many of them, despite the premise of the show. Joan, probably explaining how she doesn't feel ready to date despite being on a dating show. ABC PRESS With everyone happily ensconced in the frond zone, Jesse grins and releases the season’s bloopers. We see Pascal cut a wig on Charles. Men say they don’t snore but are shown snoring. Kim does yoga. The men dab their sweaty brows over and over and over again. Jonathan twerks. Joan is interrupted by a rooster. Filming equipment falls down. Ha! Ha! But enough gentle hijinks! It’s time for a peek at next week’s season finale, and it’s clear that a vulnerable and tearful time is coming for Joan. Joan stands stoically next to Jesse and promises that some of the tears to come are happy tears, but I’m not convinced. With all due respect, I’ve seen a lot of weeping this week, and I know what true agony looks like. I’m ready to cry about something that ultimately doesn’t matter! Don’t take that away from me, Joan! Captain Kim sightings: Numerous! This week’s rating, out of 10 anchor emojis: ⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓