At least we still have Pascal. by Megan Burbank Captain Kim’s elimination two weeks ago was really a harbinger of doom for this season of The Golden Bachelorette: Last week, we said goodbye to pharmacy field trip boys Charles L. and Gary, and I’m really starting to get worried because, with each elimination, the remaining contestants are getting increasingly dull. Soon enough it will just be Joan Vassos surrounded by some empty golf shirts and no-show socks. But that day is not today. So let’s watch a grown woman cry while gently dabbing her under-eyes, because anything more effective would disturb her makeup, in between ads for Halloween drinks at Applebee’s, magnesium supplements, and Marshall’s, which is using Chappell Roan songs to show they are a Cool Department Store. (Get that ad money, Kayleigh Rose!) It’s week five, seven men remain, and Pascal’s back must be tired from carrying the remains of this season. As his laundry journey continues, he’s graduated to hand-steaming his clothes, which he is doing in his underwear, while Girl Dad Keith relives his trauma from last week, when he struggled to express himself verbally with Joan. “I just wasn’t me,” he says in a self-castigating tone. He never knows what’s going on in Joan’s head! Right now, what’s on Joan’s mind is a coffee date with Trista Sutter (née Rehn), the first Bachelorette, who is 51, because that’s how long this show has been on. Trista was also an important moderating voice on The Golden Bachelor, pulled in for a consultation with Gerry (pronounced like Gary) like some wise elder stateswoman.  Trista’s advice to Joan is to “share more,” and Joan looks at Trista like she’s a wise oracle of love. Joan says once again that part of her heart will always belong to John, and that she still feels guilty about trying to find love again, and now I’m wondering if maybe Joan should have gone to therapy instead of The Golden Bachelorette. What if we kissed in front of reality show cameras while knowing full well neither of us are emotionally prepared for a serious relationship since the death of our respective partners? COURTESY OF ABC Meanwhile, at the mansion, a date card has arrived! The first one-on-one date (also known as a date) is going to Keith, the show’s biggest fretter and overthinker. (As a fretter and overthinker myself, I am allowed to say this!) Keith is so relieved. “I’m going to have the best time of my life with her,” he says, not at all setting unreasonable expectations for what’s basically a Hinge date with someone he’s talked to twice. They’re going on a helicopter, of course. (See also: Facing your fear of heights, previously discussed in week three.) Joan says Keith reminds her of John, and they rise into the air, where they gaze upon some Spanish-style tract housing before buzzing the mansion in an act of cruelty toward the other men, who wave from the pool and admit that they’re jealous. Chock comes right out and announces that he hopes Joan and Keith aren’t a fit, which is a mean-spirited thing to say, but I also think he should be getting a kinder edit than this. The man’s mother died last week! Have some respect! Back on the helicopter, Joan and Keith drink some champagne. A bumpy small aircraft and glass drinkware? Couldn’t be me, but okay! I guess they couldn’t wait five minutes before landing at Babcock Winery, where they spend the rest of their date drinking wines with names like Love Garden rosé. The vineyard owners, a married couple, appear on-camera to share that they’ve been together for 32 years, because the Bachelor franchise loves to bring in married strangers to remind the contestant and lead what may happen IF THINGS GO WELL… This happens almost as much as the Pretty Woman date or buzzing the mansion on helicopter dates as if this is Top Gun and oh my god is the Bachelor franchise just a grab bag of references to box office hits of the ’80s? Like Keith, I’m overthinking things! Back in reality, Joan tells the winery owners she and John were also married 32 years before she was widowed. “I could’ve been them just three years ago,” she says wistfully. Okay, sorry, I need to be serious for a minute. Is Joan okay? I mean, probably not, right? I really hope she finds the second great love of her life, but I don’t think it’s going to be on this show, because three years is really not very long time to grieve a decades-long marriage, and Joan can’t stop talking about John, and when she talks about what she wants out of a relationship, she says repeatedly how much she loved being in a couple and how it made her feel safe, but nothing specific about the partnership she sees with any of the guys on this show who are obsessed with her. And okay, sure! We live in a patriarchal society that rewards partnership and often doesn’t know what to do with unmarried women! But just not wanting to be single is a really insubstantial basis for a relationship with another human being. You are actually supposed to like them! Back at the mansion, Mark is having a spiritual experience with a hummingbird. As some knockoff of Hans Zimmer’s Interstellar score plays, Mark shares with Pascal that he believes his wife sends him signs from the afterlife in the form of hummingbirds, and he wasn’t feeling so sure about This Process, but then he saw one, and “it’s like she’s there and she’s saying this is right.” I am so worried for Mark! He is too pure for this show. At the vineyard, Keith talks about protecting his daughters (three of ’em! The men on this show all have three daughters, as far as I can tell) from his ex-wife’s unspecified substance abuse issues. Joan responds by saying, “Being vulnerable is, like, really scary,” and says that because he raised daughters, he must be comfortable crying, which is either a joke or just gender essentialism. Who can say? Joan gives him a little kiss. She doesn’t really kiss anyone on this show with any conviction, and it’s making her true feelings a mystery! Uh-oh, back at the mansion, Chock is spiraling. Another date card arrives: Mark is finally getting his one-on-one, while Chock, Jordan, Jonathan, Pascal, and Guy have a forced fun bowling group date ahead of them. Guy is worried his knees, hamstrings, and shoulder won’t survive. Hey, speaking of Guy: News recently came out that his ex-wife filed a restraining order against him. My kingdom for a single comprehensive background check on this show! omg jonathan buttoned his shirt all the way up???? ABC PRESS The men have to wear matching bowling shirts, and it’s a growth moment for Jonathan, who buttons his up all the way! Pascal is, of course, a diva about the outfits because they’re not “Gucci or Prada” and bowling isn’t a sport for Europeans. “It’s all about fun today,” says Guy, looking very shiny. While the rest of the men bowl, Chock sidles up to Joan and says things that sound like what you’d hear on a harassing phone call but are meant to be romantic. The men take offense at Chock using the date to get closer to Joan, even though that’s the point of group dates, not winning at a sport. (This is a common misconception, and probably one I would make, too, but luckily I do not have enough forehead Botox to ever be allowed on reality TV.) Jonathan shows Joan his mother’s driver’s license, so I guess he isn’t afraid of identity theft, and Jordan says things are getting serious with Joan, an insane thing to say after one date. Once again, Joan says she longs to be in a couple again, and I feel like I’ve been transported back to the 1950s against my will. Come on, Joan, isn’t it nice to have a credit card in your own name? “I see a beautiful future for us,” says Chock. Joan says she has some difficult decisions ahead and is surprised that she can see a future with more than one of these men, and the cruel plot of the Bachelor franchise pans out once again: Someone who would never do polyamory in real life is gonna have to on this show, and mess will follow!  “I wouldn’t want to be in her place right now,” says Pascal. You said a mouthful there, my brother in Christ. Me neither! Now it’s time for Joan’s date with Mark. It’s awful, despite being on a fancy boat. They’re “just careening down the water,” says Mark, as some knockoff of Hans Zimmer’s Pirates of the Caribbean score plays. Joan says she’s cold. They gaze out at the water and look miserable. “We’re really having a good time,” Joan tells the camera, her face a rictus of pain. They mostly talk about being widowed and how much they loved their spouses. When Mark talks about his wife, I feel a little mist gathering behind my eyes because it’s embarrassing but sometimes this show really does get to me. And also, this guy is doomed. Maybe because Joan said the bad date was good, Mark is heartbroken the next day to be dumped by Joan in front of God and everyone at the mansion ahead of the rose ceremony. If this isn’t a setup for him to be the next Golden Bachelor after he’s eliminated, I will be genuinely disappointed, because he seems very nice, and I want good things for Paul Hollywood’s more handsome fraternal twin. Joan says she couldn’t sleep all night because something was missing between them, and she attributes it to Mark not having processed his wife’s death. “I didn’t see me in our conversations when we were talking,” she says, which is funny because actually, that’s true of her, too: She talks about wanting to be in a couple, but not the men as specific potential partners. “I feel like I just came into this a little too early for you… I need somebody who is as far along in their journey as I am,” she tells Mark, and I think she’s projecting a little because I don’t think she’s farther along in her grief journey than Mark at all, and also, that’s kind of a condescending way to talk about grieving, which isn’t a linear process! I think she just wasn’t feeling it, which is fine! But no need to tie yourself up into a little people-pleasing pretzel about rejecting a man in the year of our lord 2024! Mark takes this well, but Pascal does not. “I’m very sad,” he says. “He was my best friend.” As the gloomy piano of rejection plays, Mark gets into a black SUV to go home. “There’s still love in the world,” he says. “I’ll find mine one day.” Now it’s time for more men to get kicked off! Pascal says he hopes he is chosen at the rose cérémonie. Keith worries he won’t be. Guy shows up wearing a bold lavender suit that is somehow also plaid (?!). Jordan says there’s a good chance he could be going home, and I once again forgot he didn’t already. Joan arrives in a strapless black dress with a lace skirt. She believes her husband is in this room, but this rose cérémonie is the hardest one yet. Pascal gets called first, followed by Chock and Guy. “It’s the final rose tonight,” says Jesse Palmer, as if he’s asking for a scalpel while performing brain surgery, and dark horse Jordan gets to stay another week! The remaining men and Guy's lavender *and* plaid suit. ABC PRESS That means Keith and Jonathan have to go home. “I love you, big guy,” says Joan to Keith, turning me into a sentient barf emoji. “You have made such an imprint on my heart,” she tells Jonathan. Jonathan says he felt validated and seen by Joan, “and I can’t ask for anything more than that.” Jonathan says he’s devastated, but wishes the best for Joan and says, “Maybe my journey’s just beginning,” and I have no idea what increasingly boring men will advance through next week’s hometowns, but it looks like Jonathan and Mark are both being set up as potential Golden Bachelors. It’s weird Joan is sending home the hottest man on this show (Jonathan) and also the nicest (fretter and overthinker Girl Dad Keith!), but what can I say? She’s a mystery to me. At least we still have Pascal. Captain Kim sightings: 0. This week’s rating, out of 10 anchor emojis: ⚓⚓⚓⚓