The triumphant (?) return of (arguably?) the Mercury's greatest columnist. by Frank Cassano THIS WEEK’S QUESTION: ARE YOU VOTING FOR HARRIS OR TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT? “I’m on the fence. Neither candidate has articulated a clear platform on the economy.” — Todd Whalen, insurance adjuster, SW Portland “Oh well, here’s a ‘clear platform’ for you… you are a blithering, halfwit IMBECILE! Were you buried alive under a pile of your own shit from 2016 to 2020? Newsflash, you simpering jagoff: Trump is (hello!) a convicted fucking felon who spent his entire tenure as president licking the shriveled ballsacks of his fellow billionaires! So I guess now you’re returning the favor? Here’s all you need to know about the “economy,” dipshit: The world will gladly pay you to SHUT YOUR GAPING PIE HOLE, and cram that fence the rest of the way up your ass, you naive, insipid sack of wet laundry! NEXT!” — Frank Cassano “If I can’t vote for RFK Jr. or Tulsi Gabbard, I’m not voting for anyone.” — Maryanne Thompkins, pottery instructor, SE Portland “Good one, you ridiculous, drooling turd. Oh, you forgot your third choice… voting to die in a pile of syphilis-infected donkey vomit, because unintelligible slack-jawed morons such as yourself don’t deserve democracy, let alone sharing opinions that make everyone stupider after hearing them! RFK Jr. is an animal-abusing sociopath, Tulsi Gabbard is the only person on earth more stupefyingly ignorant than you, and if you still refuse to vote for the only rational person on this ticket? Maybe you should move to a different country… such as the United States of Insufferable Fuckface Mouth-Breathers! NEXT!” — Frank Cassano “I want to vote for Harris… but I need to do my own research first.” — Donny Tevets, bartender, Beaverton “Oh you need to do ‘research’? Then if you’re capable, read the Portland Mercury, because this group of moronic, illiterate dope smokers are the only imbeciles alive who could match your subatomic level of idiocy. Just look at the Mercury’s election issue! It has all the intelligence of a monkey defecating on a snow cone! Seriously, the pandemic had ONE job… send these herpes-riddled, dimwit stoners to the unemployment line—and it couldn’t even do THAT right! In fact, maybe you should ‘research’ how a bunch of lazy, fart-mouth, brain-damaged millennials got this job in the first place, and… aw shit, I’m fired again, aren’t I?” — Frank Cassano