Get a load of this week's hottest gossip... including Elon Musk's hot brother?!? by Elinor Jones Howdy, hoes! It's me, Elinor Jones. Welcome back to the Trash Report! I've missed you. Last week the internet was trying to kill me and my posts kept breaking and my resilience is such that I had to lie down on the floor for seven days until a new deadline beckoned. Now I'm back and better than ever! Or rather: I'm back! And wow, we have SO MUCH trash to catch up on. Climate Change You Can Believe In Florida is bracing itself as Hurricane Milton gathers strength and plans a visit to Disneyworld and surrounding areas. This comes just days after Hurricane Helene rocked the Southeastern United States, for which the death toll is still rising. Gosh, it's too bad our government can't give us good infrastructure, because we spent spent all our money at the bomb store. Hey did you know there's a bit in Project 2025 that would seriously diminish the functionality of weather agencies? Those rotten old Republicans are curling their evil mustaches and tapping their gnarled fingers together, hatching genius plans like "good luck reporting on climate change without any data on climate change!" As if we cannot simply look outside.  You know who could use some facts about climate change? Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, who tweeted, "Yes they can control the weather. It's ridiculous for anyone to lie and say it can't be done." Hey, who are the "they" she is talking about?! I feel like it could be Jews, or just Democrats more generally. She also tweeted a suggestion that red areas have been specifically targeted. It's a very stupid thing to think, especially when if "they" were trying to make the weather bad in red areas, wouldn't "they" also make the weather awesome in deeply blue areas? Because the PNW and our nine consecutive months of rain would like a word with "they." Even though Portland is experiencing some "false summer" weather, we all know rain is coming. Now is a great time to prepare for the rainy season and clear your storm drain! pic.twitter.com/Cssd4vhaFv — Portland Bureau of Transportation (@PBOTinfo) October 1, 2024 Speaking of West Coast weather, Trump said that his solution to severe wildfires in California would be to run a faucet from Oregon to there. I'm all for helping thy neighbor but mayyyyyyyybe California should think about how many suburban lawns and desert golf courses they're keeping green before they saddle up to our water bar.  Veepstakes and Eggs Last week was the first and only debate between vice presidential candidates Jonathan Donathan Vance and America's Top Dad Tim Walz. Despite being a real slut for politics, I couldn't bring myself to watch. Donald Trump is horrible but we've become used to his bombastics, and even the people who like him can tell he's full of shit. J.D. Vance sounds smart when he lies, which is so much more insidious. But from what I've read, Vance wouldn't stop acting like he agreed with Tim Walz, and no sir, I don't fucking think so! You're not friends! Don't you dare try to hitch your wagon to that star!  I can't focus on Vance, I keep wondering how many Sephora points he has — 🌻 Emily Brandwin 🌻 (@CIAspygirl) October 2, 2024 I almost hate to mention this because I've already been covering a lot of dudes we don't like in this column, but I can't help myself: CNN had this story about Elon Musk's brother Kimbal having said at one point that the brothers used to be "illegal immigrants" due to some fuzziness surrounding whatever type of visas they had in the past. I don't care about this—immigration is hard, maintaining lawful status is hard, and immigrants deserve compassion (most of them, anyway—pretty much all of them except Elon). This story is interesting to me because of the startling realization that Elon Musk's brother is kinda hot. You know when biopics cast a handsome actor to play a monster, and then you become oddly attracted to them? Like how Sebastian Stan is playing Trump in a new movie, so you have to think about whether you'd still hit it? Kimbal Musk is like the too-attractive actor they would have put in a movie about Elon Musk. It's really unsettling and I'm sorry to say that only makes it hotter. And that name! Kimbal! I've never heard of a Kimbal before, but I bet he's a stone-cold freak. Love in the Time of Celebrity There's a new awesome rumor that Jennifer Aniston once made moves on Barack Obama. This is the kind of Facebook sidebanner clickbait garbage that only computer illiterate boomers would believe, but some of them will believe it so much that their households will no longer allow Friends reruns on their TV, which rules. They don't deserve them anyway! Good luck planning Thanksgiving without that gif of Monica with her head in the turkey. Aniston addressed the rumor on a recent Jimmy Kimmel appearance and interestingly, made the point that she was closer to Michelle Obama anyway. Girl, don't tempt us with a better affair rumor! Because some of us would like to believe that one! Congratulations are in order for pop star Lana del Ray, who recently married an alligator tour guide she met like five seconds ago. I can understand the appeal for her—Del Ray had previously said that her modest California home was a turn off for boyfriends, and presumably this will not be a problem for the swamp man. I hope Mr. and Mrs. Alligator are very happy together. Also congratulations to Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum on finally not being married after six years of working through their highly complex divorce. If there's one word I would use to describe Channing Tatum, it certainly would not be "complex!" In Memoriam Actress Maggie Smith passed away last week at the age of 89. Then Kris Kristofferson passed away at the age of 88. What the hell? Smith had been portraying a cranky 89-year-old for the better part of 40 years, whereas Kristofferson has been permanently a chill dude in his 40s. But they were peers? They could have gone to the Prom together? Weird! This upsets the same part of my brain that is currently grappling with being older than vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance. Age is fucked up, you guys. My Anxiety, Depression, and Seasonal Depression if they slayed pic.twitter.com/04M03c04DR — Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) October 3, 2024 In Local Trash An Oregon man recently won Biggest Pumpkin for his 2,453 pound gourd grown in Eugene. He had named the pumpkin Hank the Tank. I never had any interest in growing a giant pumpkin until I thought about how fun it would be to name them, and I can do that without the gardening. Here we go: Marge the Large. Tig the Big. Hortense the Immense. Huge Ackman. Hugo the Huge O. Lordy Lordy Look Who's Gourdy. Gourdy Hawn. Harrison Gourd. Rowdy Roddy Peter Piper Picked a Pumpkin.* Jacked O' Lantern. Plumpkin. These are freebies if any of you need to name your pumpkin contender. They would also work for a fat orange cat.   *This name was suggested by my partner. He swore to me somebody would get it and I trust him. But should I? That's all for this week, my loves. Go forth and decorate for Halloween. It makes children happy to see skeletons everywhere, which makes me happy.  Spookily, Hellinor Bones