Through circumstances out of my control, a family in distress has moved in with us. A kid I used to have, her husband and four girls under the age of 12 have sought refuge while their house undergoes a major renovation. I gamely fought against this development, but even I had to admit that not having a roof, literally, was an undeniable inconvenience, so in they moved. They brought with them four scooters, which I mention only because none of the children seem destined for the circus or any of the motor sports, but have chosen scooting to move from one room to the next, often almost colliding. One of the little darlings, 4, is fed during a drive-by. When she scoots past the table, they stick a spoon in her mouth. On the return pass, she gets another dose. This is not at all peaceful, especially when you throw in the beeps and boops from various electronic devices. I haven’t seen a dinner-time newscast on TV in three weeks. Well, I have, but with the sound muted. Actually, what have I missed? A longshoremen’s strike, a hurricane, politics, Iran firing rockets at Israel, the embarrassing collapse of the Twins, homeowner fears getting tripped up in a scooter mishap. “Keep these &^$#!&#@ scooters parked out of the way at night!” I explained. I have not gone down and broken anything yet, but twice I have stepped on one in the dark and jetted forward. The second time, my oath of surprise startled the dog, who also was on a scooter, passing by me. I saw the lights, spinning colorful lights creating a pinwheel effect. The wheels are lit. Yes, they brought their dog, making seven guests in all. The poor fellow – he cries quite a bit and I sometimes join him – has a permanently crooked tail, the result, according to the 7-year-old, of him having been shot dead when he was a puppy. “But he’s here. Here he is,” I said. “What?” “Nothing. Nevermind.” The newest of them is not even 2 yet, but she has her own scooter. She is not terribly bright and sometimes stands on the scooter backwards, puzzled at the absence of the handlebar. Out of kindness I should say that she is not terribly bright yet. If she survives her wheeled childhood, she will join her sisters in providing affordable nuclear power, space exploration, the splitting of the atom and solving mathematical equations heretofore unknown. One or two of them could one day play the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. In our neighborhood newspaper, police report there has been an unfortunate increase in break-ins. It gave me an idea. These scooters are not expensive. They threaten the uninitiated with painful consequences. Buy four or five of them and place them just so inside the door. If the intruder gets in, his first step will fall onto a scooter and he will be upended and maybe knocked out long enough to stand over him with a baseball bat until the police arrive. You don’t even need the kind with lights. Joe Soucheray can be reached at [email protected]. Soucheray’s “Garage Logic” podcast can be heard at garagelogic.com. Related Articles Opinion | Working Strategies: Starting, and completing, your 12-week job search Opinion | Margaret Crimmins Mason: Looking for joy? Unity? Optimism? It’s here on Saturday. Opinion | Markus Flynn: A New School Year’s resolution: Exercise the power of expectations Opinion | Real World Economics: What’s all this I hear about tariffs? Opinion | Skywatch: A great mix of summer and autumn stars, with possibly a bright comet