I’m pretty sure the group of people I dislike the most are the people who modify their Honda Civics and race down highways. I’ve written about this subset of people before. I loathe them. Like, dangerous levels of loathe. My reasoning is simple: When I’m motoring down the highway at 70 or 75 MPH I don’t need some jackass weaving in and out of traffic at 100 MPH or more. It gets even worse when there are two jackassess doing this. Way I see it — and I’m not joking here — is that the charge for driving like this should be attempted involuntary manslaughter, which I’m not even sure exists legally. These drivers aren’t trying to kill me and my family, but by driving like the jackassess they are indeed putting me and my family at risk. They crash, it sets off a chain reaction, bingo bango boingo I’m ascending the stairs (kind of hope it’s an elevator) to the Pearly Gates. ST. PETER OR WHOEVER: Welcome! ME: You see that jackass down there! ST. PETER OR WHOEVER: Yeah, he’s going downstairs, as we like to call it. Anyway, here’s your robe, dinner is at 5. ME: Five? ST. PETER OR WHOEVER: Yeah, lots of old folks up here, they like eating early. See? I’ll be starving by 9 p.m. Do they even have Wawas in heaven? Point being, I don’t want to find out about the Wawa thing until much later, and I don’t want to find out as a result of these jackassess. (I’m not stopping with the “jackass” thing. I actually call them much worse names, but I’m not allowed to type them here.) So yes. Jackasses. And now, there’s a bill floating around that will aggravate the hell out of these jackasses. It’s bipartisan legislation that would ban people or mechanics from futzing with the mufflers to make them loud. I hate those loud mufflers. Again, these wannabe race car drivers in their little Civics vroom-vrooming down the road, and doing it loudly. This bill would boost the current fine from $25(!) to $500 and (I love this) up to 30 days in jail. Honestly, I’d love to see one of these jackasses in jail for a loud muffler. LARGE, SCARY INMATE: Whatchu in for? JACKASS: The muffler on my Civic was too loud. LARGE, SCARY INMATE: C’mere cutie. Sorry. I’m evil. Anyway … Anyway, the bill sailed through the Senate Transportation Committee earlier this week according to the New Jersey Monitor, and here’s hoping it A) gets signed into law as soon as it passes through the legislature and B) police start ticketing these jackasses. Is it even fun to race cars on the highway if you can’t make the loud noises? Here’s hoping it’s not. I hope these jackasses find out the hard way. I want to see them pulled over, ticketed, and maybe even cuffed and stuffed for a night in the clink. But uh … you know what would actually be real justice? Forcing the jackasses out of their Civics and into a Dodge Caravan. Imagine Mr. Fast and Furious in one of those. Look, I get it. We were all young and dumb once. But there’s a difference between youthful indiscretion and being a menace on wheels. These aren’t rebels without a cause – they’re idiots without a clue, treating public roads like their personal racetrack. In the end, I just want to get from point A to point B without feeling like I’m in the middle of a Vin Diesel movie. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, for these jackasses, it is. But hey, maybe this new law will finally give them the wake-up call they need.