It’s week three, and the men are struggling to stay awake. by Megan Burbank Bad news, Kimheads! Despite being excellent TV, Kim Buike, our retired destroyer captain from Mountlake Terrace, did not survive this episode of The Golden Bachelorette. But he will live on in our hearts forever—and in “Mansion Men,” the bespoke song he strong-armed ER doctor Guy into performing with him in front of Joan Vassos this week. What Captain Kim lacked in chemistry with Joan, he made up for in committing to the bit, and I will be reaching out to him for comment next week. In the meantime, gather round, salty dogs! It’s week three, and the men are struggling to stay awake as they try to keep up with the show’s nocturnal filming schedule, the snoring of Gregg (should Gregg do a sleep study?), and noise caused by men in their sixties having to get up to go to the bathroom throughout the night. “It’s chaos!” says Charles L. In the kitchen, Jonathan complains that some of the guys are “gazers and grazers” who aren’t pulling their weight in the communal kitchen but ARE eating all the food. Unfortunately, as a gazer and grazer myself, I can relate, but I am once again appalled at Pascal’s inability to take care of his basic needs. “I don’t like to cook, I don’t like to clean,” he says nonchalantly, once again reminding us that he also doesn’t wash his own clothes, because he is paying Gregg $100 a load to do it. Mark has also made Pascal avocado toast, and I would really like Gregg and Mark to stop enabling this guy. Teach a man to fish! For some reason, Pascal gets the first one-on-one. “I’m honored, I’m flattered,” he says. Joan drives a red convertible past a canyon to the mansion to pick him up, in a dress that looks like if Hill House had a mother-of-the-bride collection, and says she needs to see what’s in Pascal’s heart. What’s in Pascal’s heart is that he wants to drive, but Joan says no. Good for Joan! Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Chock is spiraling at the idea of Joan being on a date with Pascal, an adult man who can’t do his own laundry. “The guy’s got a lot to offer,” Chock says bitterly. Has he met Pascal? Pascal, an adult man who does not know how to do laundry. COURTESY OF ABC As the diva of the group, Pascal gets the infamous Pretty Woman Date: It’s tradition to send one contestant on an opulent shopping spree to make the other ones jealous, and Joan and Pascal’s starts at what I’m assuming is Hollywood Burbank Airport, where they take a private jet to Las Vegas. Pascal acts surprised, even though private jets, helicopters, and facing your fear of heights as often as possible are the Bachelor Franchise’s favorite things (second only to emotionally manipulative fireworks). Time for some Bristol Myers Squibb commercials! At their Pretty Woman date, Joan and Pascal try on garish sequined outfits and upsetting wigs while a Nordstrom piano player performs in the background. “I feel like I’m in Pretty Woman,” says Pascal. “I’m Julia Roberts!” Joan does not say she’s Richard Gere, but she’s enjoying “a lot of hand-holding and dancing and secret kisses,” a wild thing to say when you’re on reality TV and legally have no right to privacy. She and Pascal gaze out the window at… nondescript buildings on the strip, because the show must’ve spent the emotionally manipulative fireworks money on another weird surprise still to come! Meanwhile, back in LA, something I care about much more is happening: Charles L. and Gary are on a pharmacy field trip in search of earplugs and melatonin so they can solve the sleeping problem once and for all. (Should’ve listened to Captain Kim the first time!) I would honestly watch two hours of this benevolent shopping trip, but it isn’t meant to be, because back in Vegas, it’s time for a cameo from Wayne Newton (who?) and his extremely white veneers (they are SO shiny!). Wayne Newton is “Mr. Las Vegas,” says Joan helpfully, and a cursory Google search tells me he’s also a breeder of Arabian horses who once said, “My two loves in life, from the time I can remember, were music and horses, and I couldn't decide which I loved more.” Okay, sure! Captain Kim’s absence so far makes me fear for his survival, but we can’t dwell on that now, because it’s time for a genuinely emotional exchange between Charles L. and Guy. Because Guy is a doctor, Charles trusts him with a question that’s long troubled him: Why did his wife have blood in her mouth right before she died from a brain aneurysm? This show often has jarring tonal shifts and juxtapositions—men talking about their greatest traumas and then doing a bunch of pushups for fun, women weeping abjectly while covered in body glitter—but this is maybe the most extreme turn I’ve ever witnessed? Guy explains patiently that when people fall down, they often bite their tongues. That’s all it was—nothing more horrific than what was already happening. Charles is comforted, but wants to know why he feels so fixated on his wife’s death. “You’re still grieving,” says Guy, and Charles seems soothed. “I’m hopeful to find love through this journey,” he says afterward, but Charles, I think you already have! A date card has arrived, and Chock, Gil, Dan, Charles L., Charles K., Gregg, Gary, Guy, Kim, Jordan, Mark, and Keith are all going on the group date, and Jonathan is very upset that he has to go on a date with Joan and no one else, so I guess he’s never watched this show. As Pascal accepts his rose in French on a giant ferris wheel (can you tell I don’t care about this date at all; je m’en fous!), the boys go to the football field at Ventura College. It’s time for SPORTS. While this show often forces young women to play violent tackle football as a fun spectacle, the men get to play kickball instead, and honestly, good for them, because I was worried they might actually die. Every man in this photo is in pain. COURTESY OF ABC It is, in fact, the Golden Bachelorette Quaker Oats Kickbowl (!!!) and Jesse Palmer and Joan are calling the game over bowls of oatmeal they don’t eat. Jesse’s eyes light up, because he used to play professional football, and you can tell that there’s a little man inside his brain like the tiny humanoid alien in Men in Black, only it’s John Michael Higgins’ character in Best in Show. Some of the men are taking the game extremely seriously, and get the injuries to prove it. “So many people got hurt today,” says Charles K. Charles L. eats the product-placement oatmeal. Mark keeps stopping mid-game to hug the guys on the other team. Everyone ends up “physically banged up,” including Kim, who has a giant bruise on his leg. At the after-party for the winning team, Joan asks Kim if his leg hurts, and he says brightly “No, actually, the shoulder hurts worse!” Joan is afraid of horses—she was once bitten by one—and she must’ve told production this because it’s time for her one-on-one with Jonathan and guess what? It’s horseback riding! Jonathan never wears a fully buttoned shirt and tells Joan his ex-wife divorced him for no reason, which I would personally consider red flags, but Joan does not. She tells him he is enough. Jonathan and Jonathan's unbuttoned shirt. COURTESY OF ABC But at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Joan doesn’t feel like enough! She says she has to share something sensitive with the men: She’s missing her family, and a part of her will always love her husband! This seems like very regular-degular entry-level information, but Joan is clearly anxious and self-conscious, even though she’s been getting trauma-dumped on by everyone else all week, and self-disclosure is the way this show convinces people they’re in love with a relative stranger when really they’re just having a weird time in their life. Just as Joan is finished with her sharing, Gerry (pronounced like Gary), the lead of The Golden Bachelor, arrives to lighten the mood! And thank god, because even though I don’t want to know a thing about Gerry’s personal politics, he has a warm presence and tells Joan she needs to stop putting so much pressure on herself. Joan feels better after talking to Gerry, but gets weepy and stressed about having to eliminate people, which is too bad for her personally but also how the show works. The lead-in to the rose ceremony is deeply chaotic. First of all, when these men get together in their suits, they look like they’re at a board meeting. Mark dresses up as a shark for reasons that are never explained. And Kim and Guy sing the song Kim wrote about being “Mansion Men”: “We are the mansion men, we’re here to win the heart of Joan!” Kim wanted everyone to participate in this charming little recital, but only Guy was up for it. Joan applauds them, but it isn’t enough to save Kim from elimination. At the rose ceremony, Guy, Dan, Gary, Jordan, Chock, Charles L., Keith, and Mark get to stay another week, but Charles K., Gregg, and Captain Kim must go home. “I would like to be your friend,” says Kim to Joan as he gallantly takes his leave. The men salute him on his way out, and in Kim’s exit interview, Guy interrupts for a “Mansion Men” reprise. “Are you allowed to be out here?” asks Kim. Probably not, but friendship is always the real love story on this show! With Gregg and his snoring out of the picture, the men have a more restful week ahead of them. But who will do Pascal’s laundry? Did Captain Kim survive this episode? No. This week’s rating, out of 10 anchor emojis: ⚓⚓⚓⚓⚓