It's Fall! So here's your pansexual Hallmark movie. by HR Smith At a September preview of My Old Ass, writer and director Megan Park said she originally intended to end the film with a crane shot pulling out of a cranberry bog to reveal a giant penis made of cranberries. “3,000 pounds of frozen cranberry dick,” said Park, smugly. “It was iconic.”  It's good Park didn't end the movie that way; without getting into spoilers, the hypothetical frozen-cranberry phallus would feel phenomenally out of place. But bless her for trying to squeeze every genre that she can into My Old Ass—smushing together pansexual teen stoner comedy, slice of life sci-fi, manipulative melodrama, and Hallmark Channel. Those Hallmark-ier aspects are a bit much at times. My Old Ass is set in a lake town (Muskoka, Ontario) so precious that the film takes on the quality of a live-action LL Bean catalog. It lavishes its protagonist, Elliot (Maisy Stella) with a wholesome family, a picturesque farm, and a last summer to wholesomely fuck around before college. It even drops in a Black friend with no discernible story arc beyond helping Elliot process her summer feelings (Kerrice Brooks, you deserved better). But My Old Ass also taps into something deeper. Some of this comes with the introduction of Elliot’s time-traveling older self (Aubrey Plaza). As an actor, Plaza can be distracting in the way she comes off like a real person who has wandered into a fake story. Here, that quality juxtaposed with young Elliot’s dramatics makes them both seem more grounded. As an actor, Park put in years in the mines of family shows and sitcoms, including several tours of duty with both Hallmark and Lifetime. Her first film as a writer-director, 2021’s The Fallout, was a slow, thoughtful exploration of teenagers processing a school shooting. Out of the forge of this resume comes a more absurdist sophomore effort that is pure slumber party banger. Pro surfers of all the big feelings, from giggles to tears to confessions, here is the pansexual tearjerker you demanded. My Old Ass opens at Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st; Living Room Theaters, 341 SW 10th; Laurelhurst Theater 2735 E Burnside, and other wide release movie houses on Thurs Sept 26.