` by Elinor Jones Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I'm elder millennial Elinor Jones. So nice of you to be reading. Lately I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how it's weird that Don is short for Donald and Ron is short for Ronald, but Jon is short for Jonathan. Ronathan and Donathan need to be on the table. Then I start thinking about how funny it would be if JD Vance's name was short for Jonald Donathan, because that's exactly the normal human thing he'd manage to fuck up and make deeply uncomfortable. These are the things I think about when procrastinating on other things, like writing the rest of this column. So to take a page from our 45th president, I present to you: concepts of a column. "I have concepts of a plan" pic.twitter.com/fYONxuZnwS — Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) September 11, 2024 Debate Trash The first and likely only presidential debate was held last week between Vice President Kamala Harris and Florida Man Donald Trump. Harris resoundingly walloped him and it was fun to watch for me, a terminally online political junkie, but I bet it was really weird for someone who is only marginally dialed in thinking like, "surely the guy's not as crazy as the media says he is!" and then they tune in to and see an old man spewing vile, racist conspiracy theories about people eating cats and dogs. Don't forget: Donald Trump hates dogs! He has a long history of calling people - especially women - dogs. This just shows that no matter how much he hates dogs, he loves racism more. The whole conversation is grotesque and depressing and is causing real-life harm and fear to people who have done nothing wrong in a city that is hating the attention. One interesting factoid to have come out of the cesspool that is the Twitter discourse is learning that police officers kill upwards of 10,000 dogs per year and the threat to our communities sure as shit isn't coming from immigrants. (This according to a 2014 Department of Justice article. The ASPCA made a statement on it as well and didn't have a number of pet deaths, but did estimate that cop-on-pet incidents accounted for at least 50 percent of shots fired by cops in the field, which is certainly a lot!) Following the debate, Taylor Swift shared that she plans to vote for Kamala Harris. If this actually alienates her Republican fan base I would be shocked, but I'd also be a little bit pumped, because maybe then I could actually get tickets to her next tour.  wish i was an undecided voter in a swing state (for the attention) — khlo (@khlo_alexandria) September 13, 2024 The Tour is Back On! Justin Timberlake pleaded guilty to driving while impaired and is ordered to pay $500 and do some community service. Alas, the arrest did not ruin the tour (the world tour) as the star had feared, but I hope this is the last we hear of this story for a while because whenever I hear "ruin the tour" I sing it to myself in my head to the tune of "Cry Me a River," and I simply cannot live like this! In other problematic white male musician news, Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl shared that he'd fathered a new baby outside of his his 20-year marriage. An Instagram post allegedly from the baby's mom briefly went viral before it was discovered to be a hoax, although it was a deliciously chaotic few minutes: Feud for the Soul Patti LuPone and Aubrey Plaza have been doing press for their new show Agatha All Along—which also stars Kathryn Hahn and Sasheer Zamata! (Ahhhh it's going to be so good.) Apparently Patti LuPone has a years-old feud with Madonna due to Madonna's performance in Evita, which LuPone originated on Broadway. LuPone said Madonna "couldn't act her way out of a paper bag" and, when challenged by Plaza, opted to eat dangerously spicy chicken wings instead of apologizing for it. Now that is a star. That's confidence. She doesn't have to say sorry for shit! I, on the other hand, regularly apologize to my cats when they nearly trip and kill me walking down the stairs.  Speaking of cats, this cat named Drifter was recently discovered after having been missing for eight weeks. Apparently he'd been trapped in the sewer and survived off groundwater and mice. I don't love the menu, but aside from that, wouldn't it be glorious to be trapped below ground for eight weeks? If it started today we could miss the entire election. Canonical Father Has Died Actor James Earl Jones passed away last week at the age of 93. He was the last good Jones. Now it's just me. And my Mufasa voice is shit. As we all grieve the immense loss of actor James Earl Jones (Star Wars, The Lion King), I wanted to celebrate one his funnier milestones, reading Letterman’s best Top Ten List, reciting commercial jingles with his spectacular, powerful, booming voice. #RIPJamesEarlJones pic.twitter.com/7OCHlV7hrv — Courtney Howard (@Lulamaybelle) September 9, 2024 This crazy story got reported this week about a guy who shot a Lego out of his nose after it being stuck in there 25 years, during which he had horrible breathing problems that doctors couldn't fix. This made me think of my very favorite nasal health story: this lady thought she had a runny nose for years, but it turned out her brain was leaking. Every time I've had a runny nose since then, I worry it's my brain juice falling out of my face, and now you will, too. Keep this factoid in your pocket for the next time you want to give your nemesis crippling anxiety! Between the debate discourse and having binged The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, my brain basically is goo, and if any of it leaked out of my nose I probably wouldn't notice. It's wild I have a job and a family. I can barely walk in a straight line. In the course of writing this column ANOTHER suspected assassination attempt was made on Donald Trump, so I gotta go hit the feeder bar for more shots of dumb sauce. Be nice out there, friends! Mother Panda-ly,