Holy hold the mayo Batman, that’s a lot of money for a sub shop. Well, it’s for 3,500 sub shops, but still: That’s a lot of capicola. What I’m talking about is this: Blackstone, a private equity group, just bought Jersey Mike’s Subs for $8 billion — yes, billion with a “b.” Per store, that comes to $2.2 million and change, which, if I’m being honest, really does feel like they’re overpaying, but I’m not a private equity guy, not even sure what “private equity” means, so whatever, godspeed and god bless, but wowie-zowie: Eight. Billion. Dollars. First off, congrats to Jersey Mike’s owner, Peter Cancro of Point Pleasant, who started working at Mike’s Submarines in the beach town when he was 14. When he was 17, the place was up for sale, his mom — this is according to Wikipedia lore, as I wasn’t there — told him he should buy it. Within a few days, and with the help of his football coach (who was also a banker) Cancro got $125,000 together and bought the joint. In 1987 he started franchising it, and … well, fast forward to today when that original $125K investment yielded an $8 billion windfall. All for a sub shop. That uh … and I’m not trying to be a party-pooper here but … I mean … it’s good? It’s just not … Jersey anymore? I mean, my goodness, when you order a sub and you want it the only way you should ever order a sub (hoagie) — “oil vinegar, salt pepper oregano, lettuce onion tomato” — you’re supposed to say “Mike’s Way.” Which is fine, but … you know. I like saying “oil vinegar, salt pepper oregano, lettuce onion tomato.” Are the sandwiches good? They’re fine, I guess. But if you’re living in New Jersey, and your go-to hoagie joint is Mike’s, I mean … no. I’m not going to sit here and adjudicate the best hoagies in the area, but I will, at this point, tell you which two hoagies I think are much more deserving of an $8 billion payday. (EIGHT BILLION?!?!?! I mean, Hormel Foods market cap is only double that. That’s a big number. Anyway …) Anyway, the Official Jeff Edelstein List of The Two Best Hoagies Around, and Let’s Just Limit This To Italian Hoagies, are … Chiarello’s in Hamilton: Just awesome, especially for those of us who — at least sometimes — like our bread with bite. It’s not the soft, mushy bread — it’s “you need teeth” kind of bread. Feels more like a meal than a sandwich, somehow. And quite frankly, you don’t need me to tell you how good Chiarello’s is. It’s been there since 1987. Everyone knows. My other favorite hoagie — and this is a new entry — can be found at Pulaski Meats at the Trenton Farmers Market. Yes. That is correct. One of my favorite places to get an Italian hoagie is at a Polish deli. It’s outstanding, and I think part of the reason is the time it takes for them to make it. For real: It’s a 10-minute process. They’re fresh-slicing the meat, and it’s at a thickness that can best be described as “see-through.” Plus — generally speaking, especially in the non-dead of winter months — the veggies are stupid fresh, most likely purchased from a farmer that morning. I’m telling you — it’s outstanding. If you haven’t tried it yet, give it a whirl. Full Edelstein Seal of Approval on this one. In the meantime … congrats, Jersey Mike’s. Eight billion. Sheesh oh man.